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Shards of Sanity 「PRIVATE RP」 Phanto feat. Saga


Saga
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Hsin's hands were shaking like crazy, his whole body, in fact. Hsin was terrified, down to his very core, although his facade was that of a professional, despite his eyes tearing. His shaking hands made little cuts on Harukami's chest.

 

Do it, his devil said. Do it and you're free. And, boy, did he try. He couldn't, through. Couldn't stoop to a murderer's level.

 

"No," he said strongly, the knife falling from his bound hands. "I'm better than you."

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A small smile was offered, he knew he was better than that. He always knew. Thus he believed he shouldn't break that soul to point of no repair. With a tug of pants, Haru bared Lou's bottom.

- Sadly, I am not that good as you. - hand picked the knife, eyes glanced over the vanishing trails of screwdriver against Hsin's thighs. And boy he swore, he hated himself for letting go of Lou back then.

 

The man brought the knife down to Lou's thigh, caressing lightly the traces with blade,

- And once I have you out of my sight, you surely know how to make yourself noticed, don't you? - Masato looked up at the male, - Be it Xian, be it Min, be it Tanya. You always get my attention. - blue eyes stared at the male's reaction.

- Or you thought I didn't know of your deal with that man? You thought I didn't know you'd like to bang Tanya? I hold Shanghai in my hands, the very sick bastard you thought for powerless once in between four walls.

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Hsin didn't think he'd be able to shake harder, and yet he did as he felt the blade on his thighs. "Don't do that, please." He began to panic, transported back to that personal hell that he suffered through.

 

"Please. What deal are you talking about?"

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Masato leaned down, reaching an ear, the question could be answered with a simple name,

- Dao. - it wasn't surprise Haru knew. He had informants all over the city. If they didn't know what was going in Haru's affairs, they were of no use.

 

The long haired male scraped against the screwdriver traces under a perfect angle to draw just a small amount of blood. It was made by such an amateur and he knew it. The hands of doctor on top of it professional serial killer were something else. He sensed the shakes and shudders against own body, but doubtfully this time he'd stop. And if the other fought back, so it be. Haru never was serious about hurting him before to begin with. And Lou had to know it.

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Hsin sobbed at the instant of the cut. "Masato, I wasn't hiding that from you. You didn't ask. I told you I had it taken care of. I even offered to give Min to you. and you freaked out."

 

Hsin began to bite at the tie with his teeth. "Please don't do this. It's a misunderstanding."

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The short breaths, the sobs and the shakes, all pushed Haru to excitement. It's been so long since he felt the sweet warmth and scent of Lou. And just when he thought he was unable to get it hard, he felt the excitement arising. Sweetly he planted a kiss against the male's clothed shoulder, the blade traveling to side then upwards until it reached Hsin's hip.

- But you killed, didn't you? - soft whispers stabbing into Lou's skin, - Still sure that you are better than me? - Masato was just playing with the male's mind, of course.

- After all, I am not a coward who asks people to do my thing. - said so the blade moved even upper, cutting on its way the male's shirt.

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Hsin continued to squirm. His hands were almost free.

 

"I'm not a coward and you know it. Your mind games won't work on me, dear boy."

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How wouldn't he love this wild feline underneath. Lou was the only one who disobeyed that man in Shanghai and the only one who never begged for life. With a push he forced the hands slammed against the couch surface, chest bumping into chest, breath whipping breath - both males face to face.

- Because your mind rejects me as many times I try to break through, then I will use your body.

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Hsin's voice was quiet. "I thought I could fix your misunderstandings, but it seems that you deliberately want to hurt me. You self-centred, blind, deaf mute, troglodyte."

 

He pulled his hands free, and with that the tie loosened. He punched the other man, hard, and scrambled from underneath him. "You should've never let me go free, Masato, because I'll walk out that door now, and you'll never see me again. The rope is cut, and you're holding the scissors."

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The male deliberately loosened the grip to get his lip cracked; he wondered how many times he had his lips abused. Haru stood on the couch, back turned at Lou. Walking out, he always did that. He never actually considered to stay by Masato's side. All he ever did was to head for that same door. Haru was tired to look people walking out the door, abandoning him and betraying him.

- There wasn't any connection to begin with. - he spoke frowning at the sight of blade covered in blood.

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Hsin looked back. "And whose fault is that? And don't you dare say it's mine. How many times did I try with you? My God, you are a child. Did you ever consider that I'm hurting too? I was raped with a screwdriver and what do you do? Renew the wounds."

 

"You've suffered, I know. Horribly. But others have suffered too. I've suffered since the day I met you and every second of suffering had you for a reason. And yet I stay and comfort you. I let you have me. I even began to care for you and now you want to violate me again?"

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Was it so hard to understand that Masato craved only for that man? Was it hard to understand that he was hungry, even getting hungrier every next time he held the man? The more he tasted him, the more addicted he got. Masato got quiet; good grief, if his life was a mess at least he ruled his own mind. And now what? His own mind was ruled by some man.

- ..hate it.. - he mumbled it out. - I hate it when you call me 'dear boy', I am not a puppy you can abandon once it doesn't meet your needs, Lou. I hate it when you talk buddy-buddy like with the only male I left alive for his own sin tortured him better than me. I hate you repeating how sick I am and how I fuck things up because this is all I am and if you can't care for what I am, then I have nothing against you walking out the door. Because I might be sick enough to kill, but I am damn in love to let you out living. - he couldn't even catch his own breath from all the rushed truths he spoke. How come he was only the one 'misunderstood' but always claimed to be the one 'misunderstanding'? - Surely some sick holy joke.

 

- Get lost. - shoulders bent down, he just glued his eyes to the few droplets blood soaking into the couch. Right now he felt like being alone, in the misery and in the silence.

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Hsin began to get angry again. "I am not a puppy you can abandon once it doesn't meet your needs, Masato."

 

He got closer and slapped the other man. "I just told you I cared for you, are you deaf? Dear Boy."

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The slap rang in his head, his blue eyes stared to side as his cheek reddened a few seconds later. Now, that was something that ticked him off. He glanced over Lou, sharpening eyes to frown.

- Do as I told you and leave me alone. - nothing like a treat, more like afraid how long he could hold onto his sanity right now.

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Hsin looked down. It was no use. The man needed a rude awakening. "I will leave you, it's obvious that you want that."

 

"But hear me, and hear me well, Masato. I will not come back. You've hurt me too much, and you've justified that. A crime bigger than anything in my eyes. I know that you… love me, but until the day you know what that means… I'll go because I'm afraid you'll lock me in a cage until your figure it out, and I know that's possible. My mind, my heart, and my body can take no more. I'm going back home. Not here in Shanghai, my real home. I won't tell them anything and I won't lead them to you, I can promise you that. I'll be gone by tomorrow morning."

 

Hsin began to cry and he laughed lightly. "Oddly enough, that's what I wanted to speak to Tang about. To help me make my stay here permanent, and bring all my property here. I'm glad I didn't get a chance though. Because I now realise something. You don't love me, Masato. You want to own something that fascinates you and I just happen to be that. You love the idea of having me. Because if you truly loved me, you'd have reacted when I said I cared for you, differently at least."

 

He got closer and gave Masato a chaste kiss. "Goodbye, dear boy."

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He lowered his chin at same time Lou turned around to head away. Away, so far away that Masato would be left in darkness. A darkness he knew, and was comfortable with. But once he saw the light, it was hard to live without it. His hand moved to capture the male by the wrist, it wasn't any cool reflex nor was it some addiction the other stated to be. It was something simpler.

- ..Take it back.. - he barely found his voice to speak.

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Ice colored eyes rose to find the colorful shade of these warm orbits of the male, just like water and fire - they were.

- Of all people... - he spoke ever so slowly and quietly, - .. you should know the best, love is not to receive..but give.. - his jaw clenched due to different emotions crashing in the rock of heart he had, but waves just like water slowly ate that rock.

- ..And I gave you all I could have offered, but all I received was your sympathy under the care of a psychologist. Tell me, Lou.. - his gripped tightened as eyes wavered not - ..Have you ever loved me as a man, not as a patient you urged to find the mystery of? You followed me into the pits of abyss because of your curiosity and you kept being involved because of Tang. But tell me...

 

Haru rose from the couch to stand tall before the other,

-.. one certain moment when you came to me because of me. Is there such?

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"You thought I stayed for Tang? You gave me that little credit? I stayed for you. In that room, when you didn't have the strength to force yourself on me, and I stayed, is that all forgotten? You forgot how I welcomed you into my body. Willingly. You didn't have to tie me, or beat me, or even play with my head. And I let you fuck me-no-make love to me. What the hell did you think I did that for? Was that for Tang too? Or that whore of a secretary you fucked?"

 

"When you dismissed me, I came. When you punished me for someone else raping me, I came." Hsin looked down at his groin. "Twice, I came from there too."

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Just when he was about to state something meaningful, he paused.

- And if you love me, I don't have to cag-... - his eyes stared completely blank. The process of receiving information in neurons surely echoed all over his head, "Or that whore of a secretary you fucked?"

 

.

.

.

.

.

 

- Tanya? - he asked to be assured he got it right.

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Haru was completely confused. It was true he was in a hotel with Tanya. But then he recalled... The man let go, frowning.

"That ...whore.", he thought as silently moved to his desk. Of all times Lou had to bring that up now.

- I didn't fuck her. - this much he could say, the details why not were too embarrassing to be stated.

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"Don't insult my intelligence, Masato. She told me herself."

 

Sighing, he turned towards the door. "Please wait until I'm gone to have your lovers' spat."

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A strong slam bounced in between the walls in the room, so loud and so forceful. He literally banged his hands against the desk.

- I surely can officially state you are amazingly stupid for an intelligent man. How low I have to disgrace myself for you to get it. From the moment I kidnapped you to the moment I held you, each next time I cared. - he turned around frowning in his anger for being accused not only for his 'fake love' but now even distrusted.

- I kidnapped your sweet ass so your damn annoying boss not making your life hell for letting the only man he is fixated on out free. Do you know what worse could have followed if that money freak had you on a leash, ruining not only your career but as well people that you love?

 

Yelling all he held out, all that made him look so damn complicated but truth was, he had to keep himself at distance. The last wall falling into pieces just before Lou's eyes, now.

- I let you go, damn I let you go. How hard it was to swallow my pride and all I was so you could be free. You thought staying at least in Shanghai was just a whim of mine? - he walked towards the other his deep voice not able to stop the emotions bleaching out of his mouth for the pure honesty, - No. It was because I wanted to watch you even from far, no matter how it hurt. Just like the garden flowers I could never touch. But you welcomed me into a garden I could damn caress and feel. And now what? You believe some whore I could have easily pushed off the cliff whenever I feel like?!

 

Standing before the male, he surely punched his knuckles into the hard pattern of door behind Lou, just right next to the male's head.

- And when I decide to give up on you, each next time, I come out damaged so damn bad that I am beyond repair. And this time, I am surely on the damn shore of yours. Bare, chained and hungry for you to notice. At my mercy? Give me a break. It's me at your mercy, all of me. My mind and my body. Tanya couldn't even make me hard, no one could.

 

.

.

.

 

Disgraced to the bottomless shame of stating all he kept, Haru looked away. That was damn awkward.

- ... - his lips parted but he had nothing to say. Especially after..the most embarrassing part being yelled, hopefully no one listened.

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Hsin's eyes were wide. He didn't know what to say. But he had an idea.

 

"Tanya, would you come in here for a moment?", he yelled out the door. When she did, he went over to Harukami and held him in an iron grip so he wouldn't shake him off. He kissed him. Kissed him like his whole life depended on it. Passionately, possessively, strongly.

 

He looked back at her. "Now he's more my type." Behind his words, he was warning her.

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