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Say Whatever You Want XXI


Saga

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And i ate to fast so now i feel super full XD

 

Bad thing today, some day ago i heard this short tic tok song that got stuck in my head... i was able to shake it off a bit untill today when i found the whole song......

so now its on repeat 24/7 so that i can get it out of the system. And i also had to cut out the "best part" that is like 30 sec so it can reaallyy dig  deep down in my brain.

This is seriously gonna take a few days until its gone..... '_'

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I need to get some shit off my chest. I guess it's best to do it here. Sorry, for my wall of rant. 

 

Oh well. I'm not one to be too much of a drama queen. I socialize a lot, and get along well with many people. I can do shit to blend with guys I wouldn't be comfortable with, so I don't have to deal with stressing issues later on. Anyways, that's how I was... and have always been. Happy go lucky, carefree... and I enjoy life as much as I could. I could be a stubborn, idiotic lover but I get away with it, sometimes. I believe I am a pretty cool person, not to be egotistical.

Yeah that's how I should be. Lately, though, I can't just get off my chest from this feeling of restlessness. I'm 26 this year and I felt like I can't go living this way anymore. I don't have stability-financial and emotional. My work life is a mess. I tried to set up business but covid had my plans ruined. Like, I really prepared for it, a long time before the pandemic. Quit job and took training shit just to be sure I can do well. But now I'm freeloading off of my savings and parents money for so long. Should I have not quit, I would still have my job in a work-from-home set up. I can't even find a new job because I still do hope to get my plans set out after pandemic. 

Emotion is a wreck too. I guess I'm facing what's called quarter life crisis. So yeah, acquaintances got married, have kids. and there's so few of us left unmarried. Thing is, I am closeted to family and friends back home. I actually cut connection with friends, just so I can feel better myself (I'm an ass i know.) And I feel uncomfortable to see them when I'm back home since I'd be overwhelmed with anxiety. I know they mean well, but when they ask when I'd be married, or do I have someone, I feel so wronged. I know my old antics of vaguely saying I have someone won't work forever. And I don't have courage to come out to them when I feel this much distant to them lately.

So yeah. There's also my mother, who wants me to live with her in Australia. It's an option I'm considering. I can have a fresh start, but I can't fathom what it'd be like to live with her. I'm not out and I'm sure I'd be more than pestered to introduce her to someone. I do find it fun to live there and get myself some huge d, but i had to come out and get away from mother's clutches for it to work lol. I realllly want to be myself. and be proud of myself.

I've been feeling pretty lonely these days. I don't have human interaction other than with delivery guys. And I don't really have many people  to talk online anymore. There's been like 4-5 circles of friends I was in, yet don't have anyone now. I suck with human interaction. I can't treasure friendship as much as I'd love to. Love life is a mess. I want to settle down but my situation won't let me. I'd want to date but I can't really go out. LDR is offlimits. And I've been gaining weight these past few years. Although I got my body back last year after half a year in gym, 1 year of idleness due to lockdown had my effort in shambles. I feel like I won't be wanted or loved anymore.

So that's it. I thought I'd feel better saying this shit here. But I guess I did not. At least, I don't feel worse. And I need to get laid. I'll have to celebrate a 1 year sore-free ass soon. 

And no, I don't need people to talk to me right now. I said these here because it will get buried. I'm not fine, but I'm not much worse. I have plans for myself. Just anxious at uncertainties-covid, work, life in general. Hope life works for me. And I hope lfie works for y'all too. Love you guys. -Tetsu

 

 

 

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I've gotten better with dealing with change, and I know change is better than the alternative of stagnation.....but sometimes change is stupid....The sudden emotional hurt it brings is stupid....But oh well....you can only worry about what you can control. 

After the stress of today I am ready to drink and just go to sleep....I think after these two days of emotional and mental stress, I'm glad for a day to just do nothing. 

Maybe I will work on another drawing tomorrow. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

How do you deal with the possibility of fast moving changes? How do you deal with all the what if questions that come up, even though you know you are at that point yet? How do you deal with all the doubt and questions that won't be quiet in your mind even though you know you aren't in a position to answer those questions? How do you quiet a mind that doesn't seem to want to be quiet?

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On these cold days, I wear my Yuri sweatshirt (

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), which I got from
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 years ago! I love it! So cozy and warm :msn_red_fox_smilies-10:

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  • 2 weeks later...

I have seen some ugly things....I have read and seen the ugliness that is now part of history....I have seen some ugliness that has now become a part of history, but to see this new kind of ugliness that has never been seen before....It's ugly, it's disheartening, it's sad, and it's enraging. 

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My angel rabbit Tory has returned to his truest form. Thank you for blessing this world with your love, your heart echos through us all. Stay golden little T 💙💞 I love you, always.

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46 minutes ago, crystald said:
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Cat Love GIF by Cat's Cafe Comics

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Thank you my dear 

:ali_071:

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