Toxic Love (shisu-chan & confidant_v)

[confidant_v]

Kasen expected something like this to happen. Shinya was a hungry vampire and considering the trauma that Shinya went through it wasn’t unusual that he lost it. That being said, Kasen couldn’t know to what extent his blood would effect Shinya. He’d never seen his precious vampire like this before. He’d never seen him so ravenous, so animalistic, so unlike the charming, dashing vampire he’d come to know and love.

 

Perhaps Kasen would have feared Shinya in this moment or perhaps he would have done whatever he could have to help his vampire tame his craving for blood. There were so many things that could have run through Kasen’s mind, but nothing did. He’d forgotten an important component of Shinya’s blood sucking… the toxins.

 

It didn’t take long for the toxins to course through Kasen’s body. They were nothing but pleasurable and they always clouded his mind. For the first time since the previous day he’d felt like everything would be okay. He felt like nothing was wrong. He felt that so long as Shinya was with him there was nothing to fear. The toxins always made me him so warm and special and he welcomed them happily. Thoughts of the rape left his mind as it became filled with only Shinya.

 

Though something was wrong. He wasn’t used to Shinya leaving him when he was filled with toxins. This was the part where they explored each other, loved each other, embraced each other. Why was he cowering away from him? Kasen cocked his head to the side like a confused puppy as Shinya broke down in the corner. In his trance-like euphoric state he didn’t know what to do. He may as well have truly been prey to a strong predator.

 

He sat there for a moment, trying to understand why Shinya was acting like this. Why was he apologizing? Why was he crying? Why was he begging Kasen to cover up the wound? Did he not want his blood anymore? Did he not like it? Kasen whimpered softly, doing his best to force his clouded mind to comprehend what Shinya was doing and telling him. Asking a task as simple as covering the wound was like asking a child to do something monumental and heartbreaking. Kasen blinked at the wound a few times before standing up, unaware of any pain in his body and walked to the bedroom. Even if he was confused it was hard for him to deny Shinya anything when in this state.

 

Once in the bedroom Kasen looked around, wondering why he suddenly felt so uncomfortable. A darkness came over him, particularly when he looked at the bed. The negative memories were blocked for the most part, though a few disturbing images managed to make their way to the surface. He bit his lip and ran into the bathroom, a feeling of dread still swarming through his body. He wanted out of this room and back in Shinya’s arms. A few tears stung the corner of his eyes as he quickly washed wound and bandaged it, then scrambled back to the living room.

 

“Shinya…?” he whimpered, sliding to the floor next to the couch, wondering if his vampire was okay. Hopefully bandaging the wounds would help his lover.

[Shisu-Chan00]

Shinya knew all too well that he was fruitlessly asking something of Kasen that probably wouldn't be comprehended in this moment. His toxins were strong and he hadn't even meant to but he had given Kasen enough to make him the way he was the night before, incomprehensable and craving him. Not wanting anything other than his hands on his body and in this moment it was not what Kasen needed. His eyes peered into his Demon's eyes wanting him so badly to just leave, to get out. He was so hungry, his stomach twisted and turned a groan leaving his lips as he covered his nose trying not to breathe in the smell of Kasen. It was like asking a junkie to not take their next fix. He needed him in order to survive and without Kasen he felt like he was going to die.

 

His thoughts were clouded, full of the blood coursing through his demons veins. It was slow, and his heartbeat was even slower as he seemed to not see the severity of the situation. As the demon stood Shinya couldn't keep back a growl as he walked away from him. Something inside of him wanted to call him back, to fix the wound himself but he knew all too well that he wouldn't help him. Not that way. He leaned his head against the wall when Kasen finally left the room, the feeling of need for the other died just a little but his smell still lingered. That beautiful sweet smell that surrounded his demon still hung in the air andh e groaned gently feeling his bodies want for him.

 

His mind must have slipped off somewhere for when he heard his name his eyes snatched up to meet Kasen's. He looked at him a little lost a moment before peering down at the bandage on his wrist flicking a tongue over the lips that were red with his lovers blood. "Kasen...? I'm sorry..." he said softly looking away feeling that he was more than disgusted with the vampire. "I can leave if you want..." He spoke softly and stood his body a little shakey from the impact and the sudden feeling of warmth in his body. His wounds were already starting to heal just a little and he was feeling better as it was. His body would heal slowly within the nedt few hours and he would be completly back to normal by tomorrow.

 

He leaned down and gently helped Kasen back to his feet. He sighed lightly leaning down and kissing Kasen ever so gently, "I love you...I didn't mean to hurt you...I know you don't understand right now because you're drugged up but..." he looked down between them as his thumb gently caressed the others cheek. "I just want you to know you can tell me to leave...to go away...you can send me away..." he spoke gently his eyes flashing up to Kasens a moment as he let his hand fall from his face. He felt like he was doing everything wrong. Like he couldn't make up for hurting Kasen in that moment even if he didn't understand what had just happened.

 

He was guilty, for the rape, for almost killing him, for everything and it was eating at him. He felt like his chest was going to explode, he didn't think it would ever go away. He felt that everything was being ruined, he had said he loved him but did he know he meant it? Did he know that he really loved him even if he had hurt him? Even if he hadn't been here for him did he know that Shinya loved him more than anything in this world. He didn't have the answers but he knew that he didn't think that Kasen should love him still. He didn't think anyone should for he ruined everything it seemed. Shinya only hoped that Kasen would forgive him for everything that had happened. And even though he didn't want to sleep with Shinya he knew that he still loved him.

 

Their relationship hadn't gone far from sleeping together. Shinya knew he would feel a little neglected for awhile but he also knew he couldn't ask Kasen to sleep with him after what all happened. He couldn't ask him to give him his body because the demon wouldn't see Shinya, he would see those men. He would be patient and wait as long as Kasen wanted to and not get upset about it or anything. He wanted to leave, wanted to run away with him to keep him safe. To get him away from this life, from the industry that stalked him, and from the horrible memories that lingered in his bedroom.

[confidant_v]

Kasen didn’t understand. He didn’t understand anything and this lack of understanding frightened him. All he wanted was for Shinya to hold him and touch him and love him, but his vampire was acting strange. He was apologizing and saying weird things that put Kasen in a panic. When Shinya helped him stand, Kasen wrapped his arms around the other’s waist, pressing his face against his chest. The last thing he wanted was for Shinya to leave. Something was wrong… Kasen felt that if Shinya left him alone then he wouldn’t be safe. He felt like someone would attack him or that he would die. Surely these thoughts were unreasonable, right? It wasn’t unusual for him to be without Shinya, and if Shinya left then things wouldn’t be any different. He could just go on feeding his pets and getting dressed and going on about his day.

 

So why did that feel so wrong? Why did it feel like it was impossible for him to do anything normal? Why did it feel like without Shinya he would die? “Shinya... “ His voice was muffled against the other’s chest. “Why would I tell you to go away? I-I don’t understand… I would never kick you out. I want you to stay, Shinya, please don’t go. Don’t leave me alone. Or… Do you want to leave?” Kasen looked up at his vampire, tears gathering in his eyes. This was all so confusing and strange. This was the first time Kasen had a bad experience with the toxins. It had never happened before… The powerful toxins could be just as harmful as they were pleasant. They masked the horrible things that had happened to Kasen from him, but the trauma was so bad and Shinya’s concern was so worrying that the feelings from that night remained on the surface. Kasen didn’t know what was going on or why Shiny was acting this way, nor did he understand why in the world he felt so… Unsafe.

 

“I’m scared, Shinya….” Kasen clung tightly to his vampire, trying to gather the pieces of his broken mind. He tried to pull up memories through the toxins in hopes of figuring out why Shinya was saying these things. “I… I don’t feel safe, Shinya and I don’t know why. I… I….” His eyes glanced over to the bedroom and he recalled the few images that appeared in his mind when he had stepped inside. He tilted his head to the side, squeezing his eyes shut and whimpering as more images forced their way though his toxin filled mind. Was this why he felt unsafe? His memories were coming back to him, but did he really want them? Would it just be better to exist in the euphoric world of the toxins?

 

“Shinya?” Kasen tried looking back at his vampire, though his eyes instead traveled up and down his own small body. Were those images true or were they something the toxins created in his fear of Shinya leaving? Of course they were true. Even in his strange state of mind, Kasen knew the toxins never created false images. They masked pain and enhanced pleasure, but were never as invasive as messing with one’s memories. Kasen’s eyes grew wide as he recalled more and more of those horrible images. Even so, why was Shinya apologizing? Why was he saying that he would leave if Kasen wanted him to?

 

He suddenly felt so vulnerable in his nakedness and quickly grabbed a blanket from the couch and wrapped himself in it. “Why… Why did they do those things to me, Shinya?” he whispered, keeping his eyes to the floor. “Why did they hurt me like that? Who even were they? Why… Why…?” Was it just a random act of violence that happened when Shinya wasn’t around? Or was it more than that? Kasen grabbed at his head and fell onto the couch, trying to remember everything that had happened. This was the first time he was unhappy to have the toxins in him. Obviously something was wrong, something had happened and now he couldn’t even recall it because of these damned toxins. He knew he needed to be sharp right now, but all he could do was whine and beg Shinya for answers that he didn’t have. Or rather he did have them; they were just buried deep within him. Everything that had happened was so painful and the toxins worked their magic perfectly in making Kasen forget everything except his beautiful vampire.

 

But the pain was also strong enough to push through those toxins. The pain was so strong that little pieces broke through and were driving Kasen insane. If only he could calm down and think these things through, then he would recall exactly what happened. It wasn’t possible so long as the toxins were hyping him up. Both his mind and body felt shattered, but even so he knew he would be worse off if Shinya wasn’t beside him. “Please, don’t go. I don’t want you to go, Shinya. I want you to stay with him so please don’t go. Just stay here. Please, please, please.”

[Shisu-Chan00]

Shinya was shocked to feel a hug around his waist and he gently ran his fingers into Kasen's hair. He couldn't not show a form of affection to him. He was everything he needed right now and as he sat there against his chest he leaned down and smelled his hair. His beautiful, sweet smell didn't drive him up a wall this time. It was nice, amazing actually. He just wished he could make the other male feel better. He felt helpless and even in this moment he didn't think the toxins were the best thing for Kasen. He would have been better off for Shinya to turn his toxins off and feed from him without them. It would be painful but it would have been better than being lost in his own mind and affected by the toxins in such a way. Kasen was like an addict and the toxins were giving him a bad trip this time. All Shinya could do was wade it out or drink them out of him, which he could do but it would take some work.

 

When the muffled questions came Shinya needed no help hearing them. When his little demon stared up at him his heart broke all over again. The man before him was crippling, slowly falling apart piece by piece and Shinya didn't know if he could put him together. He gently kissed his cheek, "I don't want to leave. I want you to feel safe..." he said softly only for Kasen to go on about not feeling safe but not knowing why. He was going to have a panic attack if they didn't come up with something to help him calm down. He watched as his little demon peered into the bed room and it took everything in him not to want to burn the place down. "hey...look at me Kasen..." he spoke softly lightly pulling the Demon closer to him, trying to pull his thoughts from the bedroom, from what had happened.

 

When the small figure stepped away from him whimpering in almost physical pain Shinya reached out to him to help, "Kasen its okay...its over now..." He coaxed him trying to get him to come back into his arms to make him feel safe. To feel stable and grounded in this moment of weakness. He watched as he grabbed a blanket quickly wrapping himself up and he couldn't help but wince, "Kasen...they hurt you because of me...I'm so sorry..." he reached out for him gently touching the side of his cheek. He was guilty for what had happened, had Kasen not met him he wouldn't have been bothered. Had they not spent so much time together he wouldn't have been targeted. If Shinya had just been here he could have killed every one of them and stopped the rape from happening. Had he not been captured and taken away he could have helped Kasen and taken all the bad memories away and filled them with good ones. He could have saved him, from all this heart ache and upset but he didn't. Instead he sat, watching it all happen and helpless to lift a finger to help. He did nothing, he just sat and watched listening to Kasen scream his name. His voice still echoed in his mind and he couldn't get it out. That pain in his chest would never go away...he would never think he could protect Kasen because he was a failure the first time. Other than death the worst had already happened and he couldn't take it away now even if he wanted to.

 

"I can take it away." He said suddenly as he heard the other starting to beg him to stay. "I can take the toxins away Kasen...I can make them go away and you won't have to feel what you're feeling right now. I didn't think it through but I can take them away...I can help you remember..." he said gently sliding an arm around his waist pulling him into a hug. "I can....I can make you feel better..." he spoke softly his forehead resting on Kasen's trying to coax him into agreeing with him. He needed him to, he needed Kasen to feel better and at the moment his bad experience with the toxins weren't helping. He didn't know what else to do other than take the toxins away and make the man before him normal. It would be painful but at least when it was finished he wouldn't be lost between a cloudy, fuzzy dream world and reality. He wouldn't be afraid anymore than he was before. He would know that Shinya would do anything in his power to keep this from happening again. HE just needed consent and he could take this all away...though it wouldn't be pretty for Kasen.

[confidant_v]

It didn’t make any sense. What did Shinya have to do with these men hurting Kasen? The demon narrowed his eyes though not out of anger or bitterness. His weak mind was simply having trouble processing all of this. “What… What did you do? What did you do that they felt the need to do those things to me?” Kasen’s voice cracked as he spoke. Even in his unstable state he knew he sounded accusatory but he didn’t mean to. He knew his vampire would never do anything that would bring him harm… So why was Shinya taking the blame? Who were these men who violated him and stabbed him and hurt him? And also hurt Shinya.

 

Another memory floated to the surface. Kasen’s eyes traveled to Shinya’s chest were he saw burn marks. They seemed to have faded slightly, probably because of the blood he had taken in, but they were still there and prominent. Kasen cocked his head to the side, tears welling in his eyes as he lightly touched the wound. “Shinya… They hurt you too….” It all seemed so familiar. He felt like he had seen these marks before, touched them, and said those exact same words to his precious vampire. In a way, Kasen was reliving everything that had occurred. He felt trapped, unable to break free from these chains that forced him to feel those men penetrate him, to hear himself cry and scream and beg for Shinya, to finally see Shinya only to realize they had hurt him too.

 

“They hurt you too….” he repeated softly, though panic set in him once again. “Th-they… they didn’t…” He swallowed hard and cupped his lover’s face in his hands. “They didn’t do to you what they did to me… Did they? They didn’t… Violate you?” He didn’t even wait for an answer before he wrapped his arms around Shinya’s neck, pulling him close to him. Why was Kasen so weak? Why was he so pathetic? Why now did he suddenly feel like there was nothing he could do to keep Shinya safe? If they both had to endure this kind of pain, then wasn’t Shinya better off without Kasen? Wouldn’t he be better off on his own without this pathetic excuse for a demon clinging to him and whining and holding him back?

 

He couldn’t tell if these thoughts were his own or the toxins. Either way, they did little to boost his spirit. So when Shinya offered to take the damned things away, Kasen knew it was for the best. He needed to remember exactly what had happened. He needed to recall everything and not in this strange fever dream he was having right now. Still… Remembering was just as hard as existing like this. “Do I want to remember?” he asked Shinya, still holding onto him. If it was possible to make him remember, then the opposite should also have been possible too. “Why don’t you make me forget instead? I know you can do it. I forget everything when you pump me full of those toxins. We always joke about me being addicted to your toxins anyway. Might as well make it a reality.”

 

Something like that wasn’t feasible, but Kasen couldn’t help but ask. If he were to exist in a toxin-filled state for the rest of his life he may as well be in a coma. He’d forget to eat. He’d forget to bathe. He’d forget to go to work. He’d forget about his pets. All he’d think about was Shinya and that wouldn’t do well for either them. Even so, the thought was tempting. This pain he was experiencing was unbearable and though Shinya offered to take it away he was frightened of what awaited him when the toxins were gone. There was no way out. There was no way to truly make this all go away.

 

Though the best option would be to stay with Shinya and heal together.

 

“I’m so selfish, aren’t I?” Kasen took a few moments to cry into Shinya’s neck. “I’d never abandon you like that, Shinya. I’m sorry for even asking. I just… I don’t know, Shinya. I’m just so scared.” He finally pulled away from his vampire and wiped his eyes, though the tears continued to stream down his cheeks. “I’m so weak. I didn’t even realize just how weak I was. I’m so weak and selfish and dumb. How could I think to ask such a thing of you?” Kasen placed a soft kiss to Shinya’s lips. “I love you. I really do, but I understand if you want to go now… After seeing me act so selfishly. I won’t ever leave you to deal with something like this on your own. I’m just so scared and it makes me say stupid shit and I’ve never had to deal with something like this before and I just… I’m sorry.”

 

Kasen fell back onto couch and threw an arm over his eyes. “Just take them away, Shinya. Take the toxins out of me. Then together we can decide how to move forward. We can decide what actions to take from here.”

[Shisu-Chan00]

Shinya felt the words like a slap to the face and he took a step back as if they had physically hurt him. Maybe Kasen didn't mean it like that but he knew all too well that what Kasen had said was accusing him of this. What did he do? Other than just live? He had disobeyed the boss and thats what he had done to get Kasen here. He hadn't meant to disobey but apparently it didn't matter to the big man. He wanted to make an example out of Kasen and this was it. He felt his breathing stop in his chest. Kasen wanted to know what he had done, what he had done to get him like this. Why didn't he save him? Why didn't he kill them when he could have? Why didn't he get here fast enough for the both of them? Pain engulfed him and he hardly heard the next sentence Kasen had spoke until he felt a soft touch to the wound on his chest.

 

A light grimance slid over his face and his eyes flicked down to the healing wounds on his upper body. He felt hand touching his face now and he shook his shead quickly, "No, no Kasen they didn't. I'm okay. I promise I'm okay. They didn't hurt me like that." he said softly into the others hands feeling the arms wrap around his neck. He hugged Kasen back, his mind still hung up on the accusatory sentence only moments before. He could feel tears dripping onto his skin showering it with goosebumps as the other spoke into his neck. He gently hugged him harder shaking his head. "you're not selfish...I'm not leaving." he said softly into the others shoulder before he pulled away and started to wipe his eyes.

 

He felt like he was on autopilot listening to Kasen speak. He kissed him back without really thinking and felt like the apologies were pointless. he should be the one apologizing not Kasen. He watched silently as Kasen fell down onto the couch covering his face. He had consented to giving up the toxins and SHinya knew it was for the best even though he knew he would be putting his demon through a lot of pain and even more tears. He shifted and moved straddling Kasen on the couch and sliding a hand into one of his removing the arm over his eyes. "Hey...I'll take them away...but...you got to hold onto me.." he said softly guiding one hand to his shoulder so there was plenty of something to dig his nails into when the pain started.

 

Shinya gently kissed his lips sliding his lips down the others jawline. "Just...try not to think about it okay? Think about something else alright? Let your mind take you somewhere else..." He kissed his neck gently as his free hand slid into his hair, his hips pushing down onto Kasen's as if holding him to the couch. He knew that this man would fight against him once the pain hit, and he wouldn't want his vampire on him anymore. This was unlike anything kasen had ever experienced with Shinya and he was going to hate it. It was going to be his least favorite experience with him and yet...he hoped he didn't have him afterwards.

 

His tongue moved licking over the skin on the others neck before he kissed it once more. "Take a deep breathe Kasen...and try not to think..." he spoke softly yet hunger filling his voice. He would have to stop himself or this would be worse than before. Kasen didn't have much blood to give but luckily Shinya's blood had replenished alot of it and probably still was for it hadn't been 24 hours for his blood to circulate out of Kasen's system. Shinya was hoping the presence of his blood would dilute the taste of Kasen's allowing him to not want so much but he highly doubted it.

 

His thumb gently traced the vein on the others neck before he leaned forward sinking his teeth into his neck. Unlike normal toxins didn't course through to stop the pain of the initial bite so it would feel like a stab wound. His fangs deep into the muscle of his neck and as he drank it would be like a gnawing bite constantly. A shiver ran through his body as he moaned against his neck closing his eyes in pure happiness as the first flood of iron filled his lips. His tongue dancing with flavor as he swallowed the first large gulp of blood that had entered his mouth. Shinya had never taken his toxins back before, he didn't know how much he needed to drink so he would probably still leave some in there without meaning to. But it wouldn't be near as bad as Kasen was now.

[confidant_v]

Shinya was scaring him. Kasen knew Shinya was just trying to be gentle with him, to warn him of the coming pain, but it was doing little to comfort him. Though perhaps it wasn’t Shinya’s intent to comfort him. What would be the point of sugarcoating things now? This pain was just more suffering added onto everything else that had happened. Kasen blamed himself though. He had tried to help Shinya by giving him his blood. There was a reason the vampire had refused it the night before and now Kasen was starting to understand why. Even if his mind couldn’t fully wrap around it, Kasen knew that he had a mistake in giving his lover his blood. He was happy that Shinya was going to heal faster, but the cost was high. Shinya had tried to protect him from that cost and of course Kasen had to go and fuck it up.

 

He was ready though. He was ready to let Shinya do what he needed to do in order to remove these toxins from him. Or so he thought he was. Shinya’s teeth sunk into him and it felt like a knife slowly stabbing through Kasen’s soft flesh. He brought a hand to his mouth to keep from screaming, but he was unable to hold in his muffled cry. Never before had Shinya’s been so unpleasant, so painful. His eyes filled with tears as he felt his blood pouring out of him like a river, being torn out of his body. And those teeth… Those teeth that Kasen so adored were gnawing at him, eating him alive like he was kind of weak prey. It felt like his skin was being shredded, like his blood was getting vacuumed out of him.

 

“Shin… Shin… Ahhh!” The pain might have something Kasen could handle had he not experienced such brutality the night before. Those dagger-like teeth reminded him of that man who bit him so roughly. They reminded him of the knife that sliced off his scales. They reminded of how the sharp, searing pain of the knife stabbing in and out of him.

 

“No, no, no….” he repeated the word like a mantra, the tears flowing faster down his cheeks. His nails dug into Shinya’s shoulder just as the vampire expected, but it wasn’t enough. The pain was unbearable. Kasen squirmed and bucked under Shinya, unconsciously trying to push him off of him. It was too much. The pain was too much, and as the toxins left him his memories came flooding back. He remembered everything. He saw everything. There was no longer and cloud covering all of the dark things he had experienced. It was all laid out before him, and it couldn’t take it.

 

“No!! No, no!! No! No!” He shrieked, punching and hitting at Shinya’s chest and arms, kicking his legs as he screamed just like he did last night. He knew Shinya was the one on top of him. He knew Shinya was trying to protect him. He knew Shinya was only trying to help, but he couldn’t control himself. It wasn’t his precious vampire that he saw. It was those men. “STOP! GET OFF OF ME! GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME!” He pushed Shinya away from him or maybe Shinya got off of him willingly. He didn’t know nor did he care. He shoved Shinya as hard as he could, smacking him across his face and chest a few times before jumping off the couch. He revealed his large dangerous fangs, snapping at him several times as a warning to stay away. He often did that when he didn’t want to use his poison, but would do so if necessary.

 

“Stay away from me,” he whimpered, his voice trembling and nervous. “Stay away…” He fell to his knees and kept a hand over the wound on his neck. “Stay away. Don’t come near me. Just stay away from me. Stay away.” It hurt him to say it, but this time he meant it. He felt like those men had only just finished with him, as if it had all happened only moments ago. Except this time it was Shinya he had to push off of him, not those men. He closed his eyes, knowing he was hurting his vampire, but he couldn’t help it. He was tired of pain. He was tired of screaming. He was tired of his body getting pierced and penetrated. He was tired of bleeding.

 

He was just tired.

 

“I’m… I’m sorry, Shinya. I just… I need a minute.” Kasen took some time to catch his breath and his senses, but he couldn’t bring himself to look at his vampire. Not now. He sobbed quietly, holding the blanket tightly around his small body. “I… I’m going to put on some clothes. Just… I don’t know. I’ll be right back and umm… Thank you for helping me.” Thanking Shinya was the least he could do after literally shoving his lover away from him. It was hard to accept any form of touch right now, but Shinya was only trying to help. Leave it to Kasen to make things harder for the both of them.

 

He walked slowly into his bedroom, unconsciously holding the blanket tighter around him. He tried to rush to the dresser so could get out of that horrible room, but his eyes caught sight of himself in the mirror. He stared at himself, at his tear-stained face, his red puffy eyes, his bleeding neck, and his violated body. A sound resonated throughout the apartment; Kasen didn’t even realize he let out a wail that would make the even coldest man cry. How had all of this happened? How was so happy and obnoxious and silly one moment, and a miserable, crying, bleeding mess the next? He sobbed loudly, allowing himself the small satisfaction of screaming as he shed his tears. It was now the only way to get this pain out of his body.

[Shisu-Chan00]

Shinya felt pure bliss as the blood popped into his mouth. Something inside of him even loved the muffled cry that slid out of Kasens mouth as he felt the first ounce of pain coming from him. Shinya was a predator, he couldn’t help but feel excited to have his prey whimpering beneath him. Things were going smoothly although he knew that Kasen was hurting he wasn’t trying to push him off so painfully hard like he had assumed. Shinyas gentle hands found their way to the others wrist gently making sure he wasn’t going to hurt either one of them when he decided to fight. It was a natural instinct, to fight against a predator like Shinya.

 

He was in his own world until he felt the tightening on his shoulder and nails biting into his skin. A low groan came from his lips as he held Kasen still the best he could, the fighting only going to open the wound more and make it all the more harder on them both. His body instantly started to react, fighting against the vampire that was far stronger than Kasen. If he had wanted to he could have killed him, easily. His hands held him fast in his mouth and let his arms do as they pleased. The actual pain of the blows didn’t hurt as much as the fact it was Kasen hitting him. He felt horrible and as he drank from Kasen he found himself not even enjoying it anymore. Tears welled up in his eyes despite his moaning and he cried while he fed from Kasen.

 

He had had enough and as Kasen started to scream he backed off willingly. However, he was slapped pretty hard in the face and chest causing a groan of discomfort from him. It hadn’t hurt but those words did. His eyes, glistening with tears peered up at Kasen as if he had just been stabbed. A hand roamed to the side of his face as he watched his demon slowly break down. The vampire was threatened by the little demon before being left on the couch alone. He looked down at himself a moment, his head still in a high from feeding and not really understanding what he had done wrong. Or why Kasen was freaking out on him.

 

The soft broken apologies pulled him back to reality and he looked over st Kasen. His eyes growing wide as he clenched his fists. He had done this, he had been just like those men taking what he wanted and leaving him broken on the floor. Everything inside of him wanted to reach over and hug him but right now he was seeing Shinya as a monster. That hurt worse than anything and Shinya found his ass falling onto the sofa in disbelief. Tears welled into his eyes and they were trickling down his cheeks as the man he loved walked off into the bedroom. He numbly wiped the tears from his eyes peering after Kasen a moment only for his ears to pick up a blood curdling sob from inside the bedroom. He flexed a moment as if about to hop over the couch to help but remembered that scene of hate, sadness, and fear that had flashed over his lovers face only moments ago. It struck him dead in his spot and he just sat there for a moment listening to Kasen cry. He couldn’t do anything, he couldn’t help him. He was apart of it now. Apart of what had made him so upset and he wasn’t going to help anymore.

 

The vampire slowly stood from the couch his fingers lightly tracing the punch that hadn’t landed smack on his jaw. He walked over to the table where his things were and picked up the shirt putting it on. It was one he had left a long time ago but it would work. He winced as he pulled it over his head and lifted his arms into each arm hole. His eyes peered back st the bedroom as he buttoned it up, he needed to leave. He didn’t feel like he belonged here anymore. He punched the table feeling those tears well up again wanting so badly to be human for just a moment. To feel something other than the want he had for Kasens blood. He wanted for just one moment to be able to feel the pain in his knuckles as they split open on impact. He wanted just once to feel something.

 

His shoulders shook as he tightened his grip on his phone before sliding it into his pocket. He had to leave. Kasen didn’t feel safe with him anymore. Kasen didn’t love him anymore. Kasen wanted him to stay away and that’s what he would do. Kasen didn’t want him to touch him ever again so he wouldn’t. Pain welled up in his chest and for some reason it bit harder than the physical wounds on his body. He knelt by the table his heart racked with such horrible pain and agony of being turned away, cast aside by his lover. He couldn’t take it. He couldn’t, and he wouldn’t. He knew Kasen needed him but right now this man didn’t care. Kasen has pushed him, punched him, and slapped him away and had screamed at him to stay away. Once he felt he could walk again Shinya would leave.

[confidant_v]

Kasen didn’t know how long he sat on the floor of the bedroom crying his eyes out. He cried and screamed and wailed and shrieked, tore at the clothes in his dresser, tore at his hair, clawed the floor… For however long he was in his room he truly lost his mind, losing himself to the pain in his body and heart. This was the first time he’d been hurt so badly. It was also the first time he’d been let down by his poison--who the hell thought simple caps on his teeth would be his undoing? And it was the first time Kasen had felt like prey around Shinya. All of this pain and misery gathered up in the little demon and the only way he could release was by screaming and crying. As much as he wanted to destroy the sheets on his bed he couldn’t bring himself to touch them. It was hard enough to look at them, let alone actually touch them.

 

Hours might have passed or perhaps only minutes passed. Kasen wasn’t sure, but at some point he finally settled down. His breathing was hard and ragged, his neck was still bleeding and pulsing in pain, but he wasn’t screaming anymore. His eyes were finally dry. The pain in his heart was still there, but it had settled to something tolerable. It took the last of his strength, but he stood and pulled out a pair of plain jeans and a simple black shirt and threw them on. Anxiety coursed through him, fear stifled him, and his heart was broken to tiny pieces, but he didn’t want to cry anymore. He didn’t want to scream anymore. He didn’t want to allow anyone to hurt him anymore.

 

With a heavy sigh, he slowly made his way to the living room. His eyes grew wide when he saw Shinya fully dressed yet kneeling by the couch. It didn’t take but a second for his wide eyes to narrow like a snake stalking it’s prey. He stalked over to him, lightly tapping the other on his head with two fingers. “You’re not leaving,” he said harshly, his voice hoarse and raspy from his screaming. “You’re going to make this right, Shinya. All of it. So you’re not leaving me on my own until you do.” It was then that Kasen caught sight of the other’s knuckles, split open and bleeding. He swallowed hard before walking away from Shinya to go the kitchen. “Stay there.” His voice the coldest he’d ever heard it.

 

It hurt him to sound this way. It hurt him to think that he was speaking this way with Shinya. Things were going downhill fast… Kasen couldn’t allow that to happen. For as upset as he was Kasen still love Shinya. He loved him more than anything in this world. The pain that had been inflicted on him by the other was to help him, not hurt him. They were both hurting. They were both in pain and they needed each other if they were going to make it through this. Kasen bit his lip as he rinsed a washcloth and walked back to Shinya. “Come on.” Kasen helped the other stand and they walked to the couch together.

 

“Easy now.” Finally Kasen’s voice as soft and caring as he gentle sat Shinya on the couch, placing himself beside him. He took the other’s hands in his own and began to lightly dap at the wounds with the wet cloth. “My poor vampire…” he whispered, closing his eyes as he leaned over and planted a kiss on the other’s cheek. “Listen, Shinya… I don’t want you to stay away from me. In that moment I just… I couldn’t handle everything. I needed to be alone, but that doesn’t mean I want you to leave me. So please tell me you’ll stay with me. Please don’t go.”

 

After he rinsed off his lover’s wounds he bandaged them, then placed a kiss on each hand. “Alright. It’s my turn now.” Kasen handed Shinya a clean and damp towel and leaned his head to the side to reveal his vampire’s bite. “Clean me up, will you?” He reached a hand out to hold tightly onto Shinya’s. “I love you so much, Shinya. I really do. You don’t scare me and I don’t see you as a monster. I just… I’m having trouble controlling the way I act. Have patience with me, okay?”

[Shisu-Chan00]

He felt like the world was swimming every time he opened his eyes. He wanted to breathe out all the pain he felt. He wanted to break things, to run as far away and feel like the world was nothing but a prison. He wanted to feel free and this wasn’t where he needed to be for this. He felt sick to his stomach and he wanted so badly to just throw up. To empty his stomach of the blood he had injested to make him feel a little better about it.

 

By the time Kasen had left his room and was coming to Shinya the vampires face was dry but he couldn’t find it in him to move. As he felt the tapping on his head he flinched away from him as if he had been burned. He didn’t want to touch Kasen. He didn’t even want to be around him right now. He didn’t want to hear him say those awful things over and over again and something inside of Shinya knew he would just mess up again. He felt the cold harsh sound of his lovers voice like an ice pick to the chest. He didn’t even look up at him as he walked away. His heart icing over as Kasen left him there on the floor. Trying his hardest to find the strength to leave.

 

When Kasen came back and helped him up and sat him down. Shinya pulled his hands away as if he didn’t want Kasen to touch him but who was he kidding. He didn’t want to cry anymore but another tear slid down his cheek as he watched the wet wash cloth clean the wound on his knuckles. The kiss on his cheek went unnoticed as he just watched the white napkin slowly turn pink. His eyes slowly flicked up to Kasens as he tilted his head to the side and exposed his neck to the predator again. He looked away shaking his head lightly only to feel his hands being clenched. The I love you didn’t feel sincere and he didn’t let it melt his heart.

 

His eyes flicked to Kasens and he moved slowly lightly pulling Kasen to him. Instead of taking the napkin he moved his mouth to the wound again licking it and cleaning it. Slowly the skin started to heal as he pulled away, wiping his mouth that still had blood on it from before. “You’re healed. I’ve never used that on you...I never needed to...but you’re healed.” He stood and walked to the kitchen washing his hands off trying to bypass the bandages. He didn’t want to sit on that couch with him any longer. He felt like he was going to explode. “I did scare you...” he spoke softly into the living room letting the steaming hot water poor over his fingers. “You should have seen your face Kasen...” he shook his head and laughed a little. “I don’t blame you...I’m a monster as it is and I could have killed you if I wanted to...” he turned the water off, his voice practically void of emotions.

 

He didn’t know what to do. How to help. How to do this. So he turned his emotions off, and he didn’t give a shit anymore. “If you don’t want me to touch you I wont, that’s fine I didn’t want to. If you want me to leave, that’s fine I have business I need to deal with anyway. But don’t you dare...treat me like those men...I’m nothing like them. I would never hurt you intentionally and I was only doing what you asked of me.” He threw the towel down he had been using onto the counter and grabbed his wallet fitting it into his back pocket. “If you hate me, okay. I can stop loving you Kasen. If you never want to see me again just tell me and you’ll never see me again. I guarantee this would never happen again. You would be safe.” He paused and felt his eyes were completely dry and his heart didn’t hurt anymore. “Vampires are interesting...sometimes when the pain gets to be too much we turn it all off...I wish you could do the same but I’ll do it for the both of us and leave your life. So you don’t have to be hurt anymore...not by me or anyone else. I’ll kill those guys and then I’ll be gone for good.” He nodded and put his phone into his back pocket before wincinglu putting on a jacket. He wanted to stay, he wanted to be with Lasen but he knew he was lying. “You’re only telling me what I need to hear...so I don’t blame myself. So I don’t hate myself. You don’t love me...you were disgusted by me...I can deal with that Kasen but...” he tightened his grip on the side of the table. “I...i-I can’t take you saying it to me...so can I just go before you tell me you’re afraid of me? Before I have to see you throwing me away like that again? Can I just go and stop causing you so much pain...please...it’s the only way I can keep you safe...” his

Head bowed and he shook it a little, the table groaning under his grip.

[confidant_v]

Kasen had never felt so betrayed in his life. He listened to Shinya’s words like they were gospel, latching onto each and every single one so he could repeat them over and over again in his head. Shinya had a right to feel upset that Kasen pushed him away. That was completely understandable and it was something Kasen was willing to apologize for, but other than that… How could Shinya do such a thing? By now Kasen was sick of crying and screaming. He didn’t think he’d be able to cry for another century. Instead he waited for Shinya to stop talking, stared at his vampire for a few moments before sitting at the table, his body slumped over in defeat.

 

“I’m sorry I made you feel like a monster, Shinya. I wasn’t in control of myself. You have to understand that when you pulled those toxins from me it was like those men had only just finished with me. It was like it happened only seconds ago and I overreacted. I’m not saying I didn’t ask for it. I’m not pushing away the fact that I asked. I just… I felt like it all just happened and I didn’t want anyone touching me. And sometimes, Shinya, I may just want to curl in a corner by myself and not have anyone touch me, and I need you to support me in that. I don’t know how I’ll continue to react from here on out, but I don’t see you as a monster. And again, I’m sorry for making you feel that way. However….”

 

Kasen took a deep breath. His voice cracked at that last word, though no tears welled in his eyes. The time for crying was over for him. He didn’t have it in him anymore. He couldn’t continue being weak if Shinya was going to leave him all alone in his pain. “Is this what you do when the going gets tough? This is how my lover acts when things get hard?” He would have scoffed, but that required more energy than Kasen had. “How… How could you leave me to carry the burden of this pain all by myself? Sure, it’s awesome that you can just turn off your emotions, but this is when you decide to do it? You know, it would actually hurt less if you had just walked out on me instead of doing something like this. At least then I would know that you didn’t so deliberately leave me alone in this pain.” Kasen shook his head. He thought he was supposed to be the selfish one, but Shinya certainly proved him wrong there. “Don’t even bother trying to kill those men if this is how you are. What would be the point when you don’t have any emotions behind it? You would just be doing it out of some sort of weird obligation, not because you wanted to protect and avenge me. I’ll kill them myself.”

 

And he would. He didn’t know how, but he would do it. The last thing he wanted was some emotionless zombie of a lover pretending that he was taking revenge on the men who hurt Kasen so badly. Kasen understood the need to turn off the pain. If he could do it, he would, but that wasn’t possible. How were they supposed to heal together if Shinya first of all turned off his emotions and secondly didn’t believe a word that came out of Kasen’s mouth?

 

“I think you have it wrong, Shinya. You going away doesn’t make all of this go away. What, you think you leave and I’m suddenly all better? You think you leave and I suddenly forget what those men did to me? You think you leave and my life suddenly goes back to normal? You think you leave and I suddenly don’t love you anymore? You say you’re turning off your emotions for the both of us, but that doesn’t really benefit me does it? I couldn’t stop loving you even I wanted to, Shinya, and for the record I don’t ever want to stop loving you. You said it yourself that I can’t turn off my emotions so why I would just stop loving you? Because things got rough? Things get hard so we all turn away from our emotions and move on? No, Shinya. We can fight our emotions all we want, but then we have no choice but to accept them. It’s hard for me to accept this pain, but I’m doing it. I’m doing it because I know I have you as a support system… Or I thought I did anyway.”

 

But perhaps this was for the best. Kasen didn’t want Shinya to blame himself for what had happened. He didn’t want him to carry that guilt around. This was an extreme way of handling that guilt, but it was in line with Kasen’s wishes. He only wanted the two to help each other heal and move forward, but that wouldn’t be possible if Shinya decided to stay in this unemotional state. What could Kasen do now? If Shinya didn’t believe his words, then he was stuck. They would be trapped between a rock and a hard place and unable to support one another. With a heavy sigh, Kasen stood, his body feeling like it was being crushed under the weight of all this pain. He didn’t have anymore fight left in him. He couldn’t convince Shinya of his love for him except to tell him the truth. And even then, would Shinya come back to him or would he stay void emotions?

 

He went to Shinya and kissed him on his cheek, though he doubted the other even wanted it. “I love you. It’s true. I don’t know how to show it and prove it to you. Like I said, I’m sorry for pushing you away, but I couldn’t think straight when those memories were coming back to me so rapidly. If… If this is the best decision for you, Shinya, then I’ll support you. I care about your well-being. If this is how you want to deal with this pain, then I understand. No one should have to experience what we’ve gone through and…” He didn’t want to say that he could do it alone, but he would. If Shinya decided that this was best, then Kasen would have no choice but to learn how to shoulder the burden of this pain on his own. “I think we make a good team. I think if we work together we can overcome this, but… Well, I understand if you want to stay this way. Just know that I want you to stay with me and I love you.” With that Kasen carried his weary body back to the couch where he flopped down onto it. He only just remembered that he hadn’t slept the night before, but even now sleep wouldn’t come. So long as his heart hurt as much as it did, Kasen would never be able to sleep.

[Shisu-Chan00]

Shinya winced visibly as the other spoke. For someone who had “turned it all off” he was still feeling a lot. He wanted to, turn it all off and get rid of everything but he didn’t think he could. He thought he had but the words sliding from Kasens mouth were like new wounds to his skin and he knew all too well that he loved this demon too much to leave him like this. He knew that him leaving wasn’t going to make this better but it sure as hell would keep Kasen in the clear for a while. His eyes fixed to the floor as he listened to Kasen’s words. Each question a searing poker into his side and he didn’t think he could take it anymore.

 

Before he knew it the small demon was infront of him, kissing him on the cheek. Without much thought the vampire leaned into him, welcoming the touch as if it was a long lost lover. Sadly, just as soon as it was there it was gone and he looked away from Kasen as if he had burned him. His fingers tightened on the table hearing it groan under his weight. He was angry, with himself, with the men that did this, with his boss, with the world. He wanted everything to just shut up for a moment to go back to the way it was when they were simply escort and customer. He wanted everything to go back to the times before they were hurting.

 

He watched silently as Kasen left him at the table to sit down. He let out a shaky sigh and let go of the table finally only for his hands to land in his lap. He started to look at them like they were the most interesting piece of art, “I’m sorry.” He spoke softly and shook his head. “I haven’t turned them off…as much as I want to I can’t…I don’t think a part of me wants to…” He closed his eyes and shook his head once more. “I’m just a coward. I can’t…I can’t be who you need me to be Kasen. I want to be here for you but I’m hanging on by a thread and I can’t hold you up too…” he moved to the small chair beside the couch sinking into it and leaning his head back on the seat closing his eyes. “I’m going to kill them…but its not for you. I have so much hate and anger to them all…to all four of them that I can’t think straight. Sure a part of me wants to kill them for you…but the last guy I want to kill for myself. I’ll probably cut his dick off and shove it down his throat like he did to me…maybe then he will see how much it sucks?” He laughed humorlessly. “I can’t even leave you to kill them because you’re vulnerable. I can’t protect you if I’m not here…hell I can’t protect you even if I am.” He tilted his head his eyes scanning over Kasen’s figure on the sofa.

 

“I am a monster Kasen and you don’t have to deny it. I know what I am. I’ve killed hundreds of people. I’ve done my fair share of torture, rape, mutilations, you name it I’ve done it. I’m the epitome of evil and you wonder why I’ve been alone for so long.” He sighed and rested his head on his hands. “When my emotions click off its like I’m a whole different person…I can’t feel. I can’t care. I wouldn’t be able to love you even if I wanted to…I’m not ready to give that up and you need me now even if I’m close to breaking with you.” His eyes moved away from Kasen feeling like he wasn’t even worthy of touching him.

 

“You should try and sleep…you haven’t had any sleep recently…I’ll keep watch. I’ll protect you. But you have to sleep or you won’t heal.” His eyes focused out the window realizing it was mid-afternoon again already. Where had the time gone, “Maybe…tomorrow we can move…I don’t want you staying here anymore. I have a house here in the city…you can stay there and that way you won’t have to think about this place ever again. It’s a safe house for me. No one knows it exists and while I’m dealing with my boss…you can stay safe.” He was more talking to himself than to Kasen now but he didn’t mind. He had to talk, to do something or he was going to go insane.

 

He was a man slaughterer. He had combed the streets when he was a young vampire killing and pillaging till his hearts content. He was young, freshly turned and recently void of any and all emotions. He couldn’t feel remorse for the hurt, the pain he had caused those around him. After centuries of rampaging the east coast he realized he had found someone he wanted to be human for. When his humanity came back he was racked with overwhelming grief and guilt for what he had done. Although he could turn off the emotions for the time being it would all catch up to him in the end. It was easier to be a blood thirsty killer but he couldn’t be that if Kasen wanted to be with him. The killer in him wouldn’t have batted an eye to kill this little demon that clung to him so tightly. HE wouldn’t have thought twice to drain him of every last drop only to leave him gasping for air and let him bleed to death on his own floor, naked and abused.

 

Shinya had a feeling that this wasn’t over. He knew he would have to confront his boss. He would have to ask him why, and in return either pay the price or leave. It wouldn’t be easy and it would put a lot of strain on their already weak relationship but he knew Kasen would come with him. He would root up his life to run away with him. He didn’t want to ruin everything, he knew all too well that Kasen liked his life how it was. Although he said he would do anything for his vampire Shinya knew otherwise. He was just a person and you could love them as much as you wanted but there were something’s you still wouldn’t do.

[confidant_v]

Kasen accepted Shinya’s apology without much thought. The last thing he wanted was to do anything that would push his vampire farther away. They were both exhausted, hurt, and eager for vengeance, though that vengeance would have to wait. Recovery was a long and difficult road, but they both needed to go down it if they stood a chance at their revenge. Shinya wasn’t the only one with a desire to kill. Kasen wasn’t the strongest demon would there, but his poison was potent and he would love to see those men who violated twitching and spasming as his venom slowly constricted their lungs and shut down their organs.

 

“So they did hurt you like they hurt me,” Kasen said, unsure if Shinya meant to say those things or not. Kasen reached a hand out, cupping Shinya’s cheek in his palm. “Not exactly the same as me, but you were violated all the same. You should have told me.” His voice was soft and gentle; Shinya was falling apart and Kasen didn’t want to be the reason that his vampire came completely unglued. He knew exactly why Shinya didn’t say what had happened to him, and he didn’t blame him for keeping quiet. Still, a fire burned within him at the thought what terrible things these people did to his vampire. Unfortunately, that fire wasn’t enough to lift his tired body and mind.

 

“You’re not the epitome of evil, Shiny,” Kasen said, curling deeper into the couch. “It’s not like I haven’t done my fair share of evil deeds. We all have our secrets and we’ve all done things that we’re ashamed to talk about. I don’t care about your past. I don’t care what you did. All I care about is that you love me and that we continue to stick together through all of this. Alright?” He leaned forward and placed a small kiss on the vampire’s lips, hoping that Shinya actually heard what he was saying. “We’ll be strong together. And if we break, then we’ll break together. Regardless of anything that happens, we’ll be together.”

 

Kasen fell back onto the couch, and though his eyes were closed he knew sleep wouldn’t come anytime soon. “I won’t be able to sleep, Shinya. I’d like to, but… I don’t know. I’m scared. I’m scared of what I’m going to dream about. Is that stupid?” Kasen sighed, knowing that at some point his body was going to shut down on him, but he wanted to put it off for as long as he could. Besides, now probably wasn’t the best time for him to sleep considering the state Shinya was in. So long as he could stay awake, he would. “Hmm? A house?” Kasen smiled and reached out to take hold of Shinya’s hand. “You’re coming too, right? Even if you say it’s safe I won’t feel safe without you there. Besides, I want to come along and help you. You’re not the only one who wants revenge, Shinya. I want to make those men pay.”

 

Though Kasen didn’t want to stress Shinya out by bringing up such things. Instead the corner of his lips twitched into a smirk. “How about we just take some time out to burn that godforsaken bed? We could probably use the de-stressing.”

[Shisu-Chan00]

Shinya flinched a little as he felt those hands slide around his cheeks and his eyes focused onto Kasen as if he was pulled out of a dream. He shook his head lightly leaning down into those fingers. “I’m okay...you don’t need to worry about me. It wasn’t near as bad as what happened to you. I’m alright.” He said softly and was a little saddened for Kasen to pull away but it seemed he was too tired to really function. The vampire stood and moved to the couch sitting down next to Kasen before lightly pulling him into his side.

 

The words sliding from his demons mouth were comforting to say the least but he still didn’t feel better. He leaned down into the kiss, a little hesitant at first, worried he would spook Kasen. He slowly relaxed though and nodded, “Okay...then we can figure it all out together...” he lightly rested his face in the crook of Kasens neck with a gentle, shakey sigh. The vampire wasn’t one to show much emotion other than pleasure and happiness around Kasen so his exhausting, tearfilled eveningwas wearing him out. Then again he couldn’t sleep and he hoped that Kasen would soon fall asleep so he could think.

 

Shinya tilted his head a little and nodded, “Yes. A house. Im coming with you...it is my home anyway. I...have some business I need to attend to with my boss and then if that doesn’t go well I’ll be running away with you. Burning that bed sounds like a blast to me...you need it.” He gently ran a hand through Kasens hair before he sighed softly.

 

“You need to sleep. I know it’s not ideal right now but you’re safe...you don’t have to be afraid I’ve got you...let me protect you Kasen. I swear I won’t let anything happen to you...never again...” his voice was soft and worried. He didn’t want Kasen to pass out from the lack of sleep and he didn’t want him hurting. “Am...I okay to lay with you? I don’t want to you know...” he shrugged a little and gently let the strand of hair slide out of his fingers as if it didn’t belong there. He felt so guilty, so heart broken, and the wound on his boyfriends neck was like a screaming reminder. He wished he could put Kasen to sleep but anything he knew wasn’t natural and the poor demon wouldn’t get any real rest. He would just have to wait till the other was ready. Till he was comfortable passing out and getting the rest he needed.

[confidant_v]

A smile formed on Kasen’s face when Shinya hesitantly asked if he could lay with him. He appreciated the other’s kindness and concern. Kasen was unsure how he would continue to act to touch, and Shinya’s thoughtfulness was more than he could ask for. In this moment, he was happy to lay with his vampire, to feel his arms around him, protecting him from nightmares and those who wished to hurt him. He nodded gently at the Shinya’s question, and placed him in the other’s arms. He snuggled against his chest, inhaling his scent which put him at ease.

 

“I’m still scared to sleep though, Shinya,” Kasen said against his vampire’s chest. Admittedly, he was slightly ashamed of feeling this way. It wasn’t so much that he was scared of whatever might happen as he slept. He knew Shinya would protect him from anything that dared walk through those doors. Nightmares were another thing. Unfortunately, Shinya couldn’t protect the little demon from nightmares. They would come and go as they pleased, regardless if Shinya was there or not. “Every time I close my eyes I see them, Shinya. I see them hurting me and... “ Kasen shook his head, unable to continue speaking about it. “I’d just like to stay awake. I don’t want to sleep. I don’t want to….” Even so, he knew that his body would shut down on him at any moment. He had been awake for so long, endured so much and now his body couldn’t take much more.

 

Without meaning to, Kasen had indeed fallen asleep while begging Shinya to make sure he stayed awake. His voice slowly lowered to nothing, and initially his sleep was fine. It was empty, void of any dreams or nightmares. Then it changed. The men were there again. They were smirking down at him, eyeing his naked body as he tried to cover himself with small arms. He whimpered, crying out for Shinya as they grabbed him and wrapped a rope around his chest and arms, binding him. They tossed him mercilessly to the bed, laughing as they all pulled down his pants and ran their hardened members along his leg and ass.

 

He screamed as he felt them touching him; he felt fingers enter him and he shed tears as he waited for Shinya to save him. He waited as the men played with his cock. He waited as they scratched down his chest. He waited as they shoved their disgusting dicks in his mouth and body, pushing in and out and in out… He cried and he screamed as they raped him again, as they came in and on him, and started all over again. He was trapped here. He realized he would never be free of them. He realized he was their prisoner for his life, their sex slave that would never get away.

 

Kasen woke up screaming, thrashing about as he clawed at his eyes as if it could tear away the images from his mind. He felt them inside of him, he felt their hands on him, he felt their bodies trapping his under theirs, and all he could do was scream.

[Shisu-Chan00]

He was more than happy to feel the other relax against his chest. He sighed a little as he didn't seem so worried to touch him, to feel him. He felt like he could actually breathe again and didn't think he was going to break his demon. He sighed gently and nodded a little nosing his face gently, "Okay...then I don't say anything about it then. You don't have to sleep." he said softly and nuzzled his cheek before they started to sit in silence. Kasen had slowly started to sleep however and was begging him to keep him awake. Shinya tried his hardest and it didn't really work for Kasen started to sleep. He sighed softly as the other started to sleep simply and he let his hands roam through his hair. He rested his head against the back of the couch as he had a free moment to relax without needing to help Kasen.

 

He didn't sleep though, he didn't want to just in case. The door was still beaten in and he knew that if they slept they would be vulnerable. This of course would be a problem and he didn't want to sleep and something was going to happen. He gently rested his head against Kasen's as he listened to his heart, trying to hear how the little demon was sleeping. For awhile it was fine, silent even and then all the sudden he heard it. The soft pick up of his lovers heart rate told him that something wasn't right in his little dream world.

 

He slid his arms tighter around his waist trying to let him know someone was here. "Kasen...wake up love..." He gently spoke in his ear trying to tell him to wake up. However, this didn't work and he woke up screaming and thrashing around. He jumped up and grabbed his hands holding onto him tightly. Using his strength to hold the mans hands down, "Kasen! Kasen calm down! It's me you're safe! It was a nightmare!" He said loudly trying to tell him that he was safe. "You're safe Kasen! Listen to me calm down!" He made sure his hands were down and trying to keep him from hurting himself. This of course wasn't a problem seeing as he was much stronger than Kasen.

 

It was awful...that his little demon had to go through this. He felt awful for this, for making him have to sleep for this. Had he been there he would have been here he could have stopped this. He could have killed those guys for even trying to touch Kasen or even thinking about it. He could have stopped it all from happening and made sure that these nightmares weren't even thought of. He felt sadness prickle at his throat and he wanted to cry for seeing his poor demon thrashing like this. He wanted to calm him down, to tell him it was all going to be okay. Then again the poor vampire didn't know if he was helping at all. He thought he was just ruining things.

[confidant_v]

Kasen couldn’t stop screaming. His body felt constrained and he couldn’t move his arms no matter how hard he tried. He was tied up again and those men were going to hurt him; they were going to violate him, penetrate him, stab him, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. All he could do was scream and fight against the restraints holding him. He pushed and pulled, but the ties were so strong and he… He was so weak. He couldn’t defend himself and he could only rely on Shinya to do it.

 

Shinya…. somewhere off in the distance he heard his voice. He heard him telling him that everything was okay, that this was just a nightmare, that he was safe. “Shinya!!” He screamed much like he did when those men were violating. “Shinya…. Shinya….” He called to his lover as the adrenaline in his body slowly wore down. He couldn’t continue thrashing around. He couldn’t continue fighting against those restraints. He could hardly move his exhausted body. Eventually, his body fell limp and he felt arms wrapping around him. His first instinct was to fight whoever it was off, but he was a immobile as when he was drowning in Shinya’s toxins. Instead he cried, still calling out for his vampire to save him from these horrid people.

 

His tears fell in streams down his cheeks. It was as if they would never stop, yet the more he cried the more he realized that no one was hurting him. Those arms that were around him weren’t trapping him; they were protecting him. He blinked several times before he was finally able to look into the eyes of his precious vampire. “Shin… Shinya?” Reality finally hit him and he knew that it had all been a dream. A terrible dream, but a dream nonetheless. Still, his heart pounded heavily his chest, his breath came in heavy pans, and his eyes were wide with fear as he trembled in the arms of his lover.

 

He did his best to snuggle as close to Shinya as he could, hiding his face in his chest as if that would make everything go away. “D-don’t let me go to sleep, Shinya. Please, don’t let me sleep. Don’t let me go to sleep.” He repeated the words over and over again as if in a trance. In the back of his mind he knew he needed to calm down. He knew that he needed to get it together if was going to help Shinya break free of his chains, but how could he do that if every time he closed his eyes he would slowly go insane? If only there was a way those toxins of Shinya’s could help without ruining him like they did before.

 

Kasen’s hand gripped tightly to Shinya’s shirt; it felt nice having something so stable to latch on to. How long would it take for him to recover from this? How long would it take for him to sleep peacefully? How long would it take for him to feel comfortable sleeping with Shinya again? Maybe it would be better to focus on healing rather than focusing on revenge. They both needed to be at their best if they were going to fight, especially Kasen who worried about being more of a hindrance than a help.

 

“I’m sorry, Shinya. I’m so sorry… I’m trying for us. I really am… I just… I’m so sorry.”

[Shisu-Chan00]

It was as if he wasn’t there. Nothing was working but all the same Shinya held on. He knew that Kasen was a danger to himself in that moment and there were scratches on his face. Shinya himself had been scratched and hit plenty in this enoucnter and he couldn’t help but think that he would claw his eyes out if he didn’t hold him still. Kasen must have though Shinya were the men because he fought against his arms until there was nothing left in his system. He just cried and called for him as if he wasn’t sitting next to him, holding him, trying to bring him back to reality.

 

Shinya was exhausted by the time those eyes blinked up into his own. A light gentle, understanding smile formed on his face and he nodded gently, “You’re safe Kasen. It was just a dream. I’m here.” He gently moved his hands cupping his face before hugging him tightly. Wanting to take away all his pain and suffering. If he could he would take the others feelings and have them in his own just so his demon didn’t have to suffer. He hated seeing him so upset, so weak. He had never seen Kasen cry so much and as he wiped his tears gently he knew it was only the beginning.

 

As Kasen cuddles into him he kissed his head gently nodding, “I won’t...I’m sorry.” He said softly holding onto Kasen like he was afraid he was going to go somewhere. After what seemed like a long while of just sitting in silence with the vampire rocking his sobbing demon the other started to apologize. Shinya was confused and shook his head a little pulling back so he could look down into his eyes.

 

“You don’t have to apologize. I know you’re trying and I can’t expect anything from you. It is still fresh...very much so...I’m sorry I can’t help you forget..that I can’t help you rest.” He gently wiped his cheeks again and sighed a little. “You’re not a burden to me Kasen, you’re trying and that’s what matters. I just wish I could do more than just sit here...you know? You’re safe though...no one is touching you but me and I’m not planning on getting close with you like that till you’re ready. I would never heart you...you don’t have to be strong right now. Lean on me, I’ll keep you sane.” He gsntly kisses between Kasens forehead letting his fingers slide down the others cheek reassuringly.

[confidant_v]

Shinya’s words were comforting to say the least. They were exactly what Kasen needed during this time. He clung to them much like he clung to his vampire, allowing them to calm and settle him. He knew Shinya didn’t think he was a burden, but that didn’t make him feel any less like one. Kasen was deadly, but not strong. He could guarantee a kill, but only if the situation was right for him to strike and land a bite on his enemy. The odds were against them, and the last thing Shinya needed was someone who was a gamble. That’s exactly what Kasen was: a gamble. He couldn’t fight, but he could kill. Was that useful at all? Was that helpful to Shinya in the least bit?

 

“I just… How can I help when I can’t even sleep?” Sleep seemed like the most important thing, but at the same time it was the only thing that would help Kasen regain his strength. “What if this happens every time, Shinya? I see them and… God, Shinya I see them doing those things to me all over again. I relive it and I can’t… I can’t take it. They… They keep putting their hands all over me and touching me and tieing me and…” Kasen buried is head into Shinya’s chest, holding him as tightly as he could. He was the last thing keeping Kasen sane and grounded. He was the only thing that could make Kasen even remotely forget all that had happened between them.

 

“They’re going to hurt us again, Shinya….” As if he could read the future, Kasen laid this prophecy before them. “They’re going to do the same things they did to us tonight, only worse. I don’t know how the hell they can make it worse, but they will.”

 

Without warning, Kasen stood and began opening all of the glass casings that held his creepy crawly creatures. They were smart. He knew they would be able to take care of themselves, but it wasn’t safe here anymore. He wouldn’t be around to care for them so they were better off on their own. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he watched them leave his home… The only things in this world that he loved were his pets and Shinya. One was gone now… The other he needed to stay with if they were to survive.

 

“We should go. We’ll burn this place to ground and leave. Anywhere, Shinya, take me anywhere. That house you were talking about, another country, to the bottom of the ocean, to another planet, let’s just go. I want to leave now.” Kasen hugged himself as he made his way back to Shinya. He didn’t want to let his emotions get the better of him, but that seemed unlikely given the circumstances.

[Shisu-Chan00]

Shinya lightly ran a hand through the others hair, letting him talk out what he needed to say. "we are safe. We are okay for now and thats what matters. No one is ever hurting you again Kasen...I would take this any day to make sure you were safe." he gently sighed and let his fingers fall still. "You may not be able to sleep now love but it will subside. It's awful...and tragic yes but you will be able to sleep again. Time heals everything and as long as you fight to be better you'll get there." He watched as the other burried his face into the vampires chest. He leaned down kissing his haed gently with a light sigh. There were no words he could say to make the pain go away. He couldn't understand the horror of what had happened and he couldn't take the nightmares away. He could try to say what he thought was right, to make him feel better, but even then it wasn't going to do much.

 

Shinya watched his lover stand and move to his casings opening them all up. Shinya stood and looked confused, "Kasen...?" he asked softly as he watched snakes and other crawly creatures sliding along the floors, leaving. Fleeing almost like they too had experienced everything Kasen had and could no longer stay here. He didn't blame them, if they were leaving no one would be here to take care of them. As much as Shinya wanted to extend the welcome of his home to Kasen's pets there was no room, and they had no time.

 

The request was like a stab in his chest and he gently hugged Kasen. He couldn't leave just yet, not until he talked with his boss. However, he was a vampire, faster than lightening and he could drop Kasen off and leave to deal with his boss. It would be a civilized conversation to say the least and if Shinya smelled Kasen on any of the men around them he was going to kill them, murder them on the spot and not care what the boss said. Then he would flee back to Kasen and stay with him until they had healed together. Even if it was on the run it was better than that. "Okay." He said softly tilting Kasen's face up to look at him. "Alright Kasen. I'll take you away. This will mean we...are bound together for good. You can't get rid of me even if you wanted to." he smiled a little and leaned down gently kissing the others cheek. "Long as you're okay with that then I'll take you far from here."

 

He lightly grabbed his hand and sat him down on the couch, "Let me pack you a bag. I don't want you going in there if you don't have to. I'll get everything together and then all you'll have to do is light a match, throw it down, and then get on a bus to nowhere with me." he knelt down next to his lover and smiled gently, "We can do this...you have me, lean on me right now till you're strong enough to hold yourself up again. You don't have to be strong right now...we're okay long as we are together." He gently pat the others hand before standing before roaming into Kasen's room getting an outfit and walkiing back. He lightly laid them on the sofa, "Clothes are important in the real world handsome, you'll need them. I'll pack while you get dressed." He kissed his demons temple and then walked back to the bedroom, closing the door behind him so the other didn't even have to glance in there.

[confidant_v]

Kasen didn’t know what he would do without Shinya. Even when he was at his worst, Shinya kept him grounded, sane, and made him feel loved. Kasen could only hope he was doing the same for Shinya, but right now he knew he wasn’t. This game of back and forth would probably go on for a while. Sometimes Shinya would hit a low and Kasen would have to pull him out of it, and sometimes Kasen would hit a low and Shinya would have to pull him out of it. There was no consistency in a situation like this, but the last thing Kasen expected was consistency.

 

Unfortunately, his lack of sleep would run them both into the ground if he didn’t get a handle on it. He would only be a burden if he couldn’t get his strength up enough to help his lover. Sleep was required for that, but the way Kasen was going the only way he’d get sleep is if he died. Well, if he did die then at least he’d have Shinya by his side. He smiled at the other’s cute nickname for him and felt his mood mildly improve. As much as he appreciated that Shinya respected his desire to stay away from that room, Kasen didn’t want to be too far from him. He quickly stood and followed the other, opening the door to watch him pack whatever he could find into a bag. “I’m assuming you have clothes and other things at wherever you’re taking me?” With that, Kasen pulled Shinya from the room, grabbed a match from a nearby drawer, and struck it. He smirked at Shinya before tossing the match on the bed. Some time was spent watching the horrid bed burn, but eventually Kasen took his lover’s hand and left.

 

“I’ll do my best to get stronger,” Kasen said as they walked away from the burning building. Sirens sounded in the distance; apparently someone had already called the authorities. Still, they kept walking, and Kasen refused to look back at the place that held the most horrible memory of his life. “When do you think I’ll be able to sleep peacefully, Shinya?” He spoke quietly, as if more to himself than his companion. “When do you think I’ll no longer be thinking about what happened to me every single second?” Kasen sighed, then rested his head against his vampire. “I hope this place of yours has a good view. I don’t want to deal with anything else now, Shinya. I just want to heal with you.”

[Shisu-Chan00]

Shinya didn't have to look up to see the door open and his little demon walk into the room with him. He wanted to protest about him being in there but none of that seemed to matter right now. He finished packing up the clothes he had found and peered up to his demon as his arm was grabbed and the other seemed more than ready to leave. A match was lit and thrown onto the still soiled bed and he flinched a little as he heard it go up into flames. They had shared plenty of blissful nights on this bed and yet...none of it mattered. The sheets, this space, was tainted by the memories of the rape that had occured not too long ago. No more happy memories could be had here as the flames started to lick at the walls.

 

They turned and left, not bothering to look back. He pulled the bag over his shoulder and nodded a little. "Alright...lets just get somewhere safe..." he said softly his sunglasses sliding onto his face as he roamed an arm around Kasen's waist. He didn't answer the other as he seemed to be talking to himself. He let the other do as he liked as he hailed down a cab and waited for it to take them away. "I mean if you like the mountains then we will be fine." he chuckled a little and leaned forward giving the man the address to the closest parking garage where he parked his car only a few days earlier. He hadn't ever driven to meet Kasen and he hadn't been back to his car in awhile. The vampire, despite his looks, was drowning in money and his material goods screamed it.

 

His cars were lavish and his homes even more. However, the one he was taking Kasen to was a safe house and it didn't look anything like his other homes. Once they got to the garage he opened the door and held a hand out for Kasen before clicking the unlock button to his car, hearing it chirp not too far away. "It's an hour from here...I'm sure we can relax a little on the way there." He grabbed Kasens hand and walked to a very sleek expensive looking black car that was one of the only ones in the parking garage. He opened the trunk and put the bag into it before walking around and opening Kasen's door for him, "After you..." he smiled a little and then closed the door behind his demon.

[confidant_v]

On the one hand Kasen wasn’t surprised that Shinya had such an extravagant car. His clients paid out a lot of money so it made sense that he would have these luxuries. On the other hand, Shinya rarely bragged about them so Kasen wasn’t used to seeing him with such nice things. It made him happy to know that at the very least Shinya was somewhat comfortable regardless of the horrible company he worked for. If only burning that company to the ground was easy as burning his own home.

 

He kissed Shinya on his cheek when he opened the car door for him and settled into the plush, cozy seats. The moment Shinya pulled off from the parking garage Kasen knew it was going to be a smooth ride. The car barely made it sound as it coasted along the road, easily weaving in and out of the other cars in it’s path. Shinya was right; the ride was relaxing. It wasn’t long before Kasen’s exhaustion caught up with him and he fell fast asleep. Thankfully he didn’t dream. He didn’t have the time to do so. An hour went by quickly and Kasen was soon waking up as the car slowed to a complete stop. He rubbed his eyes like a child, gazing out of the windshield at the house he would now be living in. It felt safe… Like nothing could penetrate it. Hopefully, that would be the case. Hopefully, this place was safer than his little home.

 

Kasen held Shinya’s hand as they made their way inside. He was quiet, still drowsy from his nap in the car. A tour wasn’t necessary, not now when Kasen was as exhausted as he was. Even he knew that delirium would set in soon, but he couldn’t allow himself to sleep. He couldn’t handle seeing those men again, feeling them on him and in him again. It was a lose-lose situation. Even so, he asked Shinya to take him to his bedroom and once they got there Kasen plopped onto the bed and motioned for Shinya to join him.

 

“Hold me,” he said, pulling Shinya down to him. He didn’t necessarily want him on top of him, but he could stand for the comfort of his hugs and kisses. He buried his face into Shinya’s chest and started speaking if only to keep himself awake. “Don’t let me fall asleep, okay? I can’t handle it. If you see me fall asleep, then wake me up.” Perhaps it wasn’t the wisest choice to lay down in the bed…. Kasen’s actions contradicted his words. His body craved sleep, needed it, but he didn’t want it.

 

“I’m trying to remember when I first fell in love with you,” he said, hoping the conversation would keep him awake. “I guess… I guess it wasn’t an instantaneous thing. It was something that happened slowly… Gradually. I suppose I fell into you rather than dived in.” He chuckled, glancing up at Shinya and running his fingers along his cheek. “What about you? When did you fall in love with me?

[Shisu-Chan00]

Shinya knew all too well that once the car got moving Kasen might fall asleep. It was a beautiful drive for him but the passenger almost always wanted to nap seeing as the car was a silent ride. As they left the parking garage the vampire glanced over to him only to see he was already getting cozy against the door to take a nap. This didn't bother him as he turned the radio down and weaved through traffic wanting to get out of town. It was hard enough to get away from his busy lifestyle that he didn't bother taking care of proper traffic safety. Before long he was weaving through mountain roads and enjoying the beautiful scenery along the way.

 

An hour came and went and he pulled up the driveway to one of his favorite get aways. It wasn't as nice as some of his other homes but this was one of his favorites. Aside from his childhood one that was up north. He stopped the car looking over at Kasen who seemed to have woken up and was rubbing his eyes in a very cute way. The house loomed over them in its three stories of glory. It had a woodsy feel to it for it was all dark tones and greens. Shinya got out and grabbed the bag before helping Kasen out of the car. The poor thing was still really really tired and Shinya wished he had free hands so he could just pick him up and carry him into the house so he didn't have to walk. They walked up the entry steps and Shinya took out his keys unlocking the door hearing it lightly creak as he opened it. The house didn't feel lived in but that was because Shinya was never here less he needed to.

 

Shinya nodded to the request and walked up the stairway to the second floor and then down the hall till he came to a door opening it up. It lead to a beautiful maroon and black room that just screamed Shinya. He sat the bag down and nodded gently, "Alright alright..." he smiled a little and laid down next to Kasen gently hugging his side. "Alright...I'll try..." he said gently running a hand down the others back knowing all too well that he didn't want to sleep. Hell if it wasn't necessarry Shinya would wish that he didn't ever again, or at least he wished he could take the dreams away.

 

They were silent for a little bit but when Kasen mentioned something he tilted his head. "Hm...it's not. There is probably a moment you realized you loved me...not that there is a moment you instantly did." Shinya leaned into those fingers that touched his face and he closed his eyes a moment with a sigh. "I can't be sure either...you were just a client that paid well for the longest time and then when I held you suddenly it became different. I didn't care about the money or the work I just came to see you to see you. I started lowering my prices for you for a reason Kasen." he chuckled lightly and opened his eyes peering down at Kasen. "I guess I just fell in love with you when I did. All the cute little things you do...even if you're obnoxious and crazy sometimes." he winked and kissed the others forehead.

[confidant_v]

“You should have paid for me considering how much money you have. I’m rich, but you’re making me look like a beggar.” Kasen chuckled softly as he lay on his back now, taking a look around the room. Black and maroon…? Shinya took the vampire mantle seriously. “Not that I ever forget you’re a vampire, but sometimes your wardrobe or things like this room just scream it.”

 

Kasen took a deep breath as he pulled the covers over himself. Sleep continued to pull at him, and as much as he tried to escape it’s embrace, there was no hiding from it. Might as well succumb to it, but with reservations. “I can’t… I can’t stay up, Shinya.” He shook his head, curling against the other as he used the last of his strength to fight off sleep. “You’ll wake me if you see me dreaming, right? Please?”

 

His words drifted off as he did. His sleep was restless, peppered with nightmares and horrific images. He woke up a few times, though slept the best he had since he’d endured his trauma. Some nights were easier than others. Some nights he would wake up, smacking and kicking at Shinya because he thought he was one of those men trying to hurt him. Sometimes he would cry for seemingly no reason. Other days he would be perfectly fine. He was the obnoxious, crude, loud Kasen that Shinya had come to know and love. Yet through all of it he did his best to take care of Shinya as well. Unfortunately, he didn’t think he was doing such a good job.

 

****

 

“I’ve become a burden,” Kasen said quietly, curling up against Shinya on the couch. It had been a month and half since he’d been so violently and aggressively raped. The images still haunted him, but they were fuzzier now. Farther in the past and farther in his memories. By now the guilt over his inability to comfort and help Shinya had eaten away at him. It was finally time to address it, to find a way to give Shinya whatever he needed.

 

“I’m so sorry,” Kasen whispered, planting a kiss on Shinya’s cheek. He sat up on his knees so he could regard the other fully. “I’m still trying to get over what happened to me. I’ve healed some but… I don’t know. I feel like if you could have had sex with me all this time you would have at least been less stressed. You could have gotten your frustrations out by using me. On top of that I… I don’t know. I’ve been so useless to you, Shinya.”

 

He swallowed hard, trying to hold back the tears. He loved Shinya and now it was time for him to start healing as well. “I love you though. I’ll always love you. I’d take a bullet for you and all I want is for you to be happy.” It had been a while since he had truly kissed Shinya. Even now he was nervous to do it, but he leaned in and placed a soft, gentle kiss to his lips. Doing that brought back memories of their time together, when they first met and first made love. When Shinya first gave Kasen the toxins. When Kasen started to request only Shinya.

 

“Do you… Do you still want to touch me, Shinya? Even after all this time I still feel so… Disgusting. I feel like you can do so much better than me and yet… I don’t know. I need you. I just don’t know how much of you I can have without being reminded of those men.”