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Ancora Imparo

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[font=book antiqua]This thread will be my little random corner,
when I say 'random' I really do mean it.

I don't expect people to follow nor to reply,
thus my blog thread will be closed and only I 
would be able to post; in other words, you will be
just reading in case you, of course, wish to do so.

If some of my entries are too psychological,
too dark or something that 'bright personalities'
don't like or can't stand - I will mark it with
the following symbol:[color=#ff3366][size=3]黒
I might have other kind of markings, so I will
enlist them below.[/font]




黒 - dark psychological, historical or whatever entries;

語 - language related entries;

飯 - food/beverages related entries;

漫 - manga/anime related entries;

白 - all the rest;



last edit: 2017/March

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entry: The Art of Lying

rating: 白



Interesting topic, I think.

Seems that everybody lies, the more shocking fact is that each person lies at least ten times per day.

We don't talk about, you know, big, fat lies. Sometimes we lie about how do we feel when answering the question, "How are you"? Whatever the reason behind it, lies are our foundation. Our history, our lives, even our future - all that depends on the art of lying.


The curious fact is that we lie for a first time within the first few months after being born. I'd say, one of the five levels of 'acceptation' is denial. Of course people would deny that but it makes sense - babies do not use verbal form of deception for the reason that they do not speak the language we, adults, do understand. In order to ask for the attention or ask for whatever its needs are, an infant would use nonverbal form of deception - crying. And when it learns that crying would get it whatever it wants - it would cry even without a reason for crying.


I heard recently something very true, and in fact when I rewind time I remember talking to a psychopath. What I heard recently overlaid with what that psychopath answered me after I asked, "Do you think that a sociably approved stereotypical individual who has no atypical brain could deceive or manipulate the king of deception - the psychopath?"


Now, up to that point I expected the answer to be 'yes', or so did I hope. Turned out I was right. That person answered to my question very skillfully which sometimes makes me wonder, did he feed me what I wanted to hear or it was the truth.


He said, "Of course a psychopath could be deceived and manipulated, after all, manipulation is born within the needs of one's. We, psychopaths, are human beings and as such we do have our needs and desires which is the key of manipulation."


Makes sense, in most cases. What I heard recently was said by an infamous con-man, Henry Oberland. I haven't researched but it's said that there are no official documents that could even prove he was a con-man or any kind of archives about him.


[TABLE=width: 500]



[TD]Now, the thing is there had been only one single interview with him. One of the remarkable words of his were,


"Look, I've got one rule.", said he the rule, "Everyone is willing to give you something. They're ready to give something for whatever they're hungry for."



original image link.[/TD]




So in face of deception, in order to not submit to it, you have to know what you are hungry for. Lovely.

However, things get darker when you are facing the biggest lie ever, as the saying goes, "The scariest of them all, is the lie within oneself and to oneself."


Basically, if you lie to yourself even without anyone around you who would make you put the mask on - you are f.cked.



In conclusion, the lie is a cooperative work. I mean, there must be someone out there who would buy it, so you sell it. But the buyer should be hungry for it. Hm.


...When you think on a global scale - holy sh.t, we are in the pit of lies. How do you even start looking for the truth?


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entry: Penny Dreadful






"Did I request thee, Maker, from my clay to mould me Man?"

"Paradise Lost"By John Milton, 1667.


So last night I started watching this TV Show, Penny Dreadful.

I like it so far although it is really dark. Most of the dialogues and even monologues

are well written, so I recommend it to people looking for something psychological.


The settings are in Victorian London, dark and in parts mythological - Doctor Frankenstein is there, man.

Another cool thing is, sex scenes are not fucked up XD. So big thumps up

because damn, some sex scenes are lovely.


I mean, look at that back * v *




Did I mention that I looooove the opening of season 1 (at least the only season I've watched so far, I am on episode 3). It is full of symbolic stuff and one could see how deep into the rabbit hole you go if you start 'reading' the symbolism. I really want to share it, but if you skip this 'dark topic' as I marked it such... > v >


...Your loss. xD.

Here you go, brave one;

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entry: Parallel Universe, part 1

rating: 白



I mentioned that before in another thread, but now I have my own place where I can comfortably spam.

Parallel Universes, according to the theory goes like that:


The multiverse (or meta-universe) is the hypothetical set of possible universes, including the universe in which we live. Together, these universes comprise everything that exists: the entirety of space, time, matter, energy, and the physical laws and constants that describe them.


The various universes within the multiverse are called "parallel universes", "other universes" or "alternative universes"


So to say, what is partly most important for a human being to grasp would be -

* space

* time

* matter

* energy

* law

* light

* super-consciousness



When you think of space...actually, ever since we were kids and we had to understand that vast world - be it through our parents, the media or through school - you basically had to 'learn' simplified theories and laws even if you weren't aware of it. So, I will try to simplify how I understand these listed above aspects.


When you think of space, imagine a glass of water. You need at least four particular types of space;

- space for the glass, on your table for example which would include the three dimensions: height, volume and mass;

- space for the water, in the glass;

- space in your own mind, comprehending the information that there is a glass of water before you;

- space in this dimension for the glass of water to exist


Now, the last thing would seem most ambiguous. But this is how 'space' works. I mean, take for example your laptop/computer/table/phone/whatever.. you need space for the information, right? And when you lack space - you free enough of space so you can use it once again.


That's how it works with 'possible events in parallel universe' - you need space. Everything in this world needs space, of course mathematics as a subject of numbers and digits (well, not only but anyway) can't grasp the correct amount of needed space - so we name it 'infinity'. ..Now, I've read that 'infinity' is not exactly 'infinity' because according to the old theory what is infinity does not have a beginning nor an end - but that would be a paradox, right? I mean, everything around us teaches that whatever it is, it's got at least a beginning. However, what I read recently (I would spare you the formulas and all that math) had to do with an explanation of how 'infinity' works - in brief, there are always 'slots' of 'free space' which would be "added". Meaning, if you have one - you need two; once two exists, you need three, when three happens to exist, you need four, and when four is created - you need five.

Well, so on and so forth.


Basically, that's the theory of 'metaverse'. Every single event, ever..ever..ever,ever,ever,ever,ever ...ever possible - would create one new universe which with its 'appearance' will be the reason for another universe to happen.


All that needs space, right? Else, one universe would merge or overlay with another if we run out of space. And that...would be madness. I mean, your life is fully described in all its possibilities in other dimensions - one world: you are..famous; another world - you are..about to be born; and another world - you are..dead. (of course, just a few examples else might thread wouldn't be enough to describe all possible events in one's life).


So if one world overlays with another, you would meet you and that might not be so nice as you expect it to be nice. I just recalled Natsu from Fairy Tail (the anime) meeting himself in another world who was a complete opposite of him. XD!





When you think of 'time', most of the people think of a clock/watch. And that's not completely wrong.

Time is something that needs 'space' for time is a sort of information; we humans are not so 'developed' so to say, and we can comprehend only a certain amount of 'time'. One of the most used sensor in our bodies is the eye/eyes. Which by the way is a reason for us to be unable to comprehend something out of its sense's range. (Additionally you should know that our eyes read/see any sort of information with a small delay). The best explanation I've ever seen about time is in a movie scene, so I would like you to see what I mean:




As you saw in that brief scene, time creates matter and depending on time so is matter changeable. Most typical idea of three different states of matter would the water - solid, liquid and vapor. Of course that books would confront my statement..but what if we apply the idea of 'time' on water?


I mean, slowing down the time..like really slow,slow,slow - It would turn it into a flow, slow flow - liquid. But if you heat it up, make all its atoms and its structure speed up, madly - it becomes gas/vapor. So that means if you stop time, you freeze the water. Now the phrase "to freeze time" makes sense, huh. But that would lead to another question - if that is true, can we say that water is actually full of information and not just something transparent?


What I've heard recently had to do with that, to be honest. People focus on the chemical side of things, of water, but what you have to actually pay attention to is the structure. Water is structured in a way that allows for it to 'restructure', to change and exchange information in between its atoms.


You know that liquid could be healing but could be poisonous, right? Water is something that 'memorizes', joke you not. It is like a computer which is programmable. It has no colors, they say - but it has all colors. That's why when "light" steps in, you are able to see water as green, blue, yellow, pink, red, orange, black, brown and so on. It has no form, they say - but it holds the ability to be whatever it wants to be or is made to be.


Of course, water as a topic is a long one. So I will stop to here, just one thing though - do not forget that every single living thing needs water, and you as a human are made of water, from 70% to 90%. Imagine..what can you be when you hold something so powerful within.


I can see you have a great deal of water in your personality. Water never waits. It changes shape and flows around things, and finds the secret paths no one else has thought about -- the tiny hole through the roof or the bottom of the box. There's no doubt it's the most versatile of the five elements. It can wash away earth; it can put out fire; it can wear a piece of metal down and sweep it away. Even wood, which is its natural complement, can't survive without being nurtured by water. And yet, you haven't drawn on those strengths in living your life, have you?

― Arthur Golden, Memoirs of a Geisha



Another long topic. Which I find kind of funny, comedic even.

When you tell a person, your car's engine is exhausted and you have to recharge it - supply with energy, most people comprehend what they are told. When you tell a child, don't touch the stove when turned on, it comprehends what it is told. All that is connected to 'energy', right? I mean, people connect electricity to energy.


But when you tell a person, you are made of energy and everything around you which you see as solid is actually 'energy' - they stare at you like you've just slapped them across the face.


I remember the first time I watched the trilogy 'the Matrix', there is that famous scene - There is No Spoon.Watch it;



Awesome, right!

Well, maybe not. Because if I make you grab a spoon and bend it right now - you'd laugh at my face. So would I.


I've watched that movie..a dozen of times. Once when I was a kid, then as a teen a few times, as a supposed adult...and then little by little, I noticed that I understand the movie differently with each next time I played it.


As a kid, the only thing "I couldn't understand" was that scene. As a teen, I still couldn't get it. How is there no damned spoon?! There is! I can see it, I can touch it, I can even break my teeth if I try to eat it. So!?


Then I realized, there is really no spoon. Because there are two factors existing in that very moment, you and the spoon. And the spoon exists because you recognize/acknowledge that existence. What you bend is the energy, not the spoon. If you want to literally bend a spoon, you have to use strength. But even using strength consumes a sort of energy. So, if your muscles are energy you put into work, why wouldn't your mind be such?


Now I recalled a book I read, "The Last Question, by Isaac Asimov (1956)". When you have time and are curious, read it. It's not so long and it is interesting, link.


The whole thing is based on the idea of 'used energy never being restored'. Basically, when you get to cooking your meal, even a simple movement of cutting your veggies uses from source of energy which is useless (the energy you've used) after you finish cutting.


But the real thing is, humans acknowledge only solid/visible source of energy - electricity, thunders, sun and even the moon. When in fact, you yourself are made of so called energy and whatever you do with it is up to you, but the theory is - once used, never restored.


Now I just asked myself, is it time the supplement of energy or otherwise? Could time exists without energy or is energy impossible without the time/ unity? ._. Hmmmm.

To be continued...

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entry: Random stuffz while browsing and drinking coffee.

rating: 白



I noticed at least 6 typos in my previous post the other day, but am I damn lazy to correct them. - v -

Sorry, reader-san. I wanted to make the previous entry rather lovely and failed, khm.


I will continue my thoughts on it in the second part but not today.

Just gonna post stuffz I find around while relaxing with a cup of coffee.

Let's see.


[TABLE=width: 400, align: left]







That's some beauty there. Actually makes me want to use it in some of my drawings. Speaking of drawing, ngh. I am so behind with my works. I have a whole pile of things to do. - v - And I am extremely glad that winter is over. Spring, I've been waiting for you. ' v '


Trust the wait. Embrace the uncertainty. Enjoy the beauty of becoming. When nothing is certain, anything is possible.

- Mandy Hale



What on earth; London was attacked yesterday? Well, ain't that a bit suspicious right after the independence. -_-



Ngh, time to get to doing stuff. -drags self around the house-



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entry: Hunter x Hunter.




I just can't miss the chance of it;



That's it. I just.

You know, I am rather puzzled when I hear people stating that some character is evil just because they 'kill'.

It's true that killing is something illegal, bad and morally staining. However, that's a loooong topic and to a degree complicated yet simple. -shoos the topic to side- Back to Hisoka. I think Hisoka is just different, you know.

I don't actually think he is the pure evil, run because you can't expect anything nice from that bastard.


In fact, I think he is not so bad and when impressed/interested in something/someone, he shows affection...in his own way. Psychologically speaking, I think he loves life and living beings a bit too much. Now, I invite you to argue on that one with me because I have a dozen proofs it's true. Hisoka actually respects life and is a bit too affectionate with things to the point of wanting to own them by dominating them. Hm, hm, hm. That's actually based on the so far 45 episodes I saw. I have a lot more left XD.


Meanwhile, let's enjoy his beauty and sexiness. * v *





Ngh. Perfection. How about some more of the sexy videos!? They are all short so you won't be watching anything long or boring! Promise! Now, let's begin! * o * LET ME CORRUPT YOU.




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entry: Why the hell; I dislike waiting.



So, Fairy Tail Movie 2: Dragon Cry was played in theaters 6 days ago. But damn it, why they pick only a few countries to show it in!? It's like that with EVERYTHING. Now I have to wait for Dragon Cry and also 'Koe no Katachi' movies. F.cking great.


I read some feedback though, according to most people Dragon Cry was awesome. And I mean..How wouldn't it be!?!!

Look at the darned trailer; Maaaaan, Natsu and his voice - makes me shiver. Especially at the end when he said;


Lushi, ore wa.. nani ni mieru?





I just can't wait, I am serious. Now all left is for the DVD to be released but that takes time. Why on earth they-- well, I know why. Marketing strategy but still, man. -_- So annoying.


I also keep replaying some longer previews of 'Koe no Katachi'. The DVD coming out in a few days, which means around the end of May we might get it uploaded on the web. Ngh.


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entry: Random stuff while browsing and relaxing at night.

rating: 白





Soviets vs Czars: Which Were Deadlier?

According to declassified Soviet archives, during Stalin’s great purge of 1937 and 1938, over 1.5 million people were detained. Of those detained, 681,692 were shot – with an average of 1,000 executions a day. In comparison, the tsars’ royal government executed 3,932 persons for political crimes, from 1825 to 1910.


Source: Wikipedia



So, apparently London had two condom shops.And, so, they sold condoms made out of sheep guts.

This is my favorite part: they came with a ribbon; the ribbon was to be tied around the base to fasten it securely.

Oh, and these condoms were reusable. When the act was over, they could be washed out and hung up to dry like a sock.

7 Places Where Dying Is Not Allowed









note: what on earth happens when you break the law after you die..?



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entry: Manga Titles I put on the desk for tonight. Observation + Relaxing




So, recently I started doing my own webtoon. '_' It is so-so but still learning the flow of things.

I have never thought that doing manga/webtoon requires not only art and writer's talent but also

balance between dialogue and art. Let's not mention the styling and paneling of things, it's killing me each next episode.


Yeah, yeah. The art and flow of things still look wonky to me -_-

I am learning, okay XD. Hopefully I will get better.


Anyhow. Today I will share with you my night pick for manga reading which I will be observing [on the side of manga/webtoon making] and still enjoying [hopefully]. Let's see what I've picked for tonight!


[TABLE=class: grid, width: 300]











[TD]Horror, Psychological[/TD]

[TD]Bastard (Hwang Youngchan)[/TD]


[TD]Drama, Psychological[/TD]

[TD]Save Me[/TD]




[TD]Fantasy, Shounen[/TD]

[TD]Autophagy Regulation[/TD]


[TD]Tragedy, Seinen, Psychological, Fantasy[/TD]

[TD]Yakushoku Distpiari - Gesellschaft Blume[/TD]



So, that is so far for tonight. Stocked and good to study, enjoy the goods.

I might make a review of the things I read next time.

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entry: Parallel Universe - Time , part 2

rating: 白




So, today I will talk about Time in relation to the brain.

A few days ago I was researching stuff and ended up attending an online lecture about it.


There is one wrong perception we all are taught, they say - that one day everything will cease to exist. Be it planets, galaxies, humans, animals, rocks, rivers, plants and so on. But that seems to be used as a way to turn man into a nihilist. Think about it, ever since we were kids we are told that one day 'it will end'. We grow up with the idea that YOLO, You Only Live Once. The sad thing is, it spread like ..rather than a fashion trend which would be the better outcome, it spread more like an ailment. And people from different ages believe in that #YOLO. It demoralize their personality, their identity. If you believe that one day it will all be gone - why would you care about anything at all? The perception 'we all are fucked' seems to scar the human within humans. You might not realize it but deep down inside - you lessen the value of some things because of exactly #YOLO or #EIT [Everything is Temporary].


Where it all comes from?

Well, the modern science which has its sponsors. But do you know what is bad about having a sponsor? That you can do whatever you want as long as it does BENEFIT your sponsor. If, in case, it does not benefit - you just lose a sponsor, in the best scenario...you might, as well, lose your head. -coughs-NikolaTesla-coughs-


And if someone wants to argue on that, please, be my guest.


I will just add that back in the days when the Church was still a crawling baby, the Emperor of Byzantium sponsored more or less these meetings and gatherings related to the Church but there was one single rule - "Do as you wish as long as it does not get in my way". So, you see - it always was liked that. Democracy is like that, business is like that, life..became like that. The human being is demoralized and taught to be a nihilist just so 'it does not get in someone's way'.


Back on our topic.


The big question in science nowadays is not what is out there in the Cosmos, it's not when will all end neither. The big question is, "What is Time?"


How can a person foresee the future or see the past?

That's something the modern science has avoided for many years - they are skeptical about prophecies because it doesn't exist in any of their mathematical equations and formulas. But for these recent years, some scientists decided to work on that - why can we dream the future or the past?


It seems that all comes to Time.

If it is so, then the scheme we have of Time, thanks to Minkovsky and Einstein - Einstein who, by the way, I strongly dislike, is wrong. Dating back from the past until today, the scheme of Time is one-dimensional. One horizontal line. You might recognize that horizontal line in maths or linguistic science or physics. We always draw one horizontal line like that:






So, Minkovsky and Einstein created the four-dimensional continuum of Space, which is - the three dimensional parameters that can be in any combination from the following ones -> width, height, depth and breadth. In that three-dimensional continuum of the shape of our Universe, at first Time didn't exist. Only after that they added the fourth parameter - TIME.


However, even if they added the fourth parameter Time is not part of any equation or formula. We don't really know how to "solve" time.


Now, someone might jump me and say - "Right, but how come we can measure distance in space with light years or how can we tell how fast a car moves?"


You see, all we can do is measure 'time' in speed. But time is made to be objective - never subjective. Think of it, why do we need clocks? Because we don't have any sense to tell time. It is similar to when a person with a bad eye-sight [one of our senses] wears glasses. He has a numb sense which will create obstacles in his daily life - hence, the glasses.


Clocks/watches play the very same role. We don't have a time-telling sense, yet...we have days when we wonder why time passes SO DAMN SLOW and days when we can't tell when did it become so late - TIME FLEW!


If so, why our senses do not correspond to the clock/watch? It is a tool to help us be OBJECTIVE.

But hey, a personal opinion now, who on earth decided that our 'Objective Time' should be 'THAT KIND OF OBJECTIVE'? You know what I mean?


Per se, why do we have 24 hours? What if there are no 24 hours?

Just a thing to think on, heh.


So, back on topic.


You know in these recent years they started talking about 'Time Travel'?

Many people are 'for' and many are 'against' the theory. These that are 'for', obviously believe there is something more to Time than what we are presented. These who are 'against', they use an anti-theory.

If we can travel in time and people did so, things had to affect our Present. Because if *I* go back in time and kill my grandmother before she gave birth to one of my parents, *I* will destroy the chain of events and *I* in present days should not exist because my grandmother won't give birth to my mother or father.


But then again, one anti-anti-theory now.

If someone went back in time and changed something which affected our present times - how would we be aware of it? Think on it, why would you remember something that never happened?



if TIME is not one-dimensional but at least two-dimensional..things change a lot.

There is one rule in maths, in order to have two lines in space one should be perpendicular to the other. So if you have line A which is horizontal, line B must be vertical. So the one-dimensional scheme of time will fall apart. Future won't be from the left and past won't be from the right.


In the two-dimensional scheme, it would be rather like:












the present .........|.....................






The red point is 'the momentum' of "receiving" your possible future and the choices you made in your past determines what sort of 'future' you will get from above [the vertical line]. As you can see, similar to the Vitruvian Man [by Leonardo Da Vinci's scheme and fanart by Aaron John Gregory] we can say that 'past' is not behind our backs but below our feet. And future is not in front of us but above.



But how about that 'one momentum'?

Let's get inside of it. If we take that one momentum as millions of slides of possibilities, we can say that the longer you learn to stay in that one momentum - the more you can foresee the future or see the past. It's like a jump you make in a loop hole, all you have to do is 'enter' the moment before future 'bends' into the horizontal line of time and it becomes your 'reality'. Because when you think about it - future is not yet reality. But if you think more on it, you have certain things in life you know that are gonna be reality. Like, getting to work next week, being accepted in a college and you attending next summer - these things are not yet there, in your reality - but you know that will happen. Then can we call ourselves 'prophets' because we know that kind of 'future'? Sure, why not?


However, from ancient times they say 'do not rejoice in advance', right?

That's because even if you have your set goals before you, an already signed contract or anything you think it's 100% done but you are not LIVING it - the future [the vertical line] never stops slicing through your reality [the horizontal line]. One moment you have the contract in hand and the next morning they call you that the deal is off - see? Then we can't say that you are a prophet, right?


That's because, they say, you are not really within the loop hole of 'one momentum'. Many geniuses like Bach, Mozart, Newton, Tesla and so on - they say that time slows down. The slowing down factor is a sign that you are within that loop hole, and from that hole you can make a jump upwards and race in future. You can see and feel ideas that are not corresponding to our age and time, you make a jump from an era to another era - you can basically offer the humanity a new sort of era that way.


But how is that related to the brain?

Well, I will finish up my little babbling session with one example.


When we face great dangers and sometimes shocks, most common when we face death, many people say that time slows down. Some see things from their past, things they have forgotten - but out of all things they have been through, the mind chooses just a few which people then refer to 'my life flashed before my eyes'. But that's not what should impress you. People that had a near death-experience say that 'death' feels like you are asleep. Ding, ding, ding --- ding.


During dreaming, people can see the future [most often]. So how come death shows mostly past and dreams show mostly future? Are we on the vertical line in both of these cases? Hm. Some interesting topic to think on.


Well then, thank you for reading!

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entry: What have you become, humanity?





Welcome to a very dark post.

A bit of poetic, a bit of artistic. But in between the layers of creativity in words, you can find many truths. Your truths, someone else's truths. I wonder how much of it will be my own truth though.


These recent weeks have been tough. My mind has been colorful in the sense of making jumps from everything to nothing. Between the dark and the light, between the loud and the quiet. But after some time in the deep pit of complexity of this world, you find things for very simple actually. And it is not that we have to go through hardships to notice what it is around us, we just selectively choose what to see and how to see it. Well, you are very welcome to a dispute on that one. You can disagree all you want, but that does not mean it is less true or less false.


You know, I am losing sense of who I am. And that is not like how it sounds, it is not losing your essence but rather your choice of who you want to be. It confuses you, but you may ask what is it that you call "it"? Well, humans.


Humans never cease to amaze me. In that sense of the word where it is not like I am surprised. It is not like I do not expect the unexpected, but it still amazes me. It is because we cannot break from the world of subjectivity. Your subjective mind creates me in one light, my neighbor's subjective mind sees me in another light. So is with my friends, so is with my foes, so is with all the people around me. And at the end of the day, exhausted from this subjectivity, I ended up thinking funny things like - am I me or am I you?


We seem to provoke others, each other. This is how what the world calls 'love' and 'hate' are ignited after all - a simple provocation within your subjectivity.


But when we drop and if we can drop subjectivity, left with the ever so cold objectivity - who can I be? Who do you see me to be?


You know, I don't lack admiration nor do I lack attention...but when I am confessed to...I don't understand what people mean by "I like you". I am much more comfortable with the ...well, the dislike. I mean, dislike creates clear borders. Very clear borders.


I was once asked why do I prefer my foes in some cases over my friends and why do I find foes for admirable? Who in their right mind would respect their enemy? Well, I. You know why? Because there is no room for lies there. You clearly expect the blade to go through your core, you are ready to get your bones smashed. You know your foe, for the foe is what you are.


I bet you can't follow, hm?


Do you think friends only make you who you are? Do you think only they can hint for who you are? Or your family makes you who you are? Well, if you do - you are very naive. Turn around, look behind back - what is your foe like? What is their hatred like? What do they dislike you for? Does your subjectivity even allow you to see pass your own ego though? I doubt.


I wish to live in a world where humans know how to respect their foe. But instead I live in a world where humans cannot comprehend that single statement. They cannot comprehend what is it to respect a foe. They cannot accept anything but what they like to see and hear. Now, this is what I call a subjective mind.


But then again, when you drop your wishful thinking, when you drop that subjectivity - when you drop the desire to hear or see something...what are you left with? What am I left with? It's awfully quiet when you reach that point. But that quiet doesn't scare me, it doesn't seem to make me fear step in deeper. But it is...dead quiet.


I am not a person who copes well with humans. But I don't lack the art of socializing either. I know I can be anything I like in a group of people. I can lead, I can follow. I can provoke admiration, I can provoke dislike, I can provoke everything I want. But when you learn how to provoke and manipulate that simple subjectivity in humans...you end up ...you end up wondering who you are. Because humans can no longer be your mirror. They can't really tell you the truth, for the truth they speak was provoked long before they even knew it. For the subjectivity is a bit too oblivious.


It truly amazes me. How unexpectedly predictable things can be, and I sit there on the chair watching it all play out. When the performance is over though, how do I think I feel on that chair? Bored, for I knew the outcome beforehand? Silly, for I wasted my time? Or maybe pathetic, for I knew and I knew..and I knew but I sat like a clown on the throne of pretense?


Don't get me wrong though, I keep no ill feelings towards humans. I ...in spite of all, still can find some fond feelings within myself towards selective individuals, even if I can't really show it well. Somewhat you lose yourself within the soundless world.


I am very tired.


But my tired is a different kind, it is not what you would understand. I do sincerely hope you actually cannot understand it. Because it is a sort of exhaustion you don't get rid of. It acts as a reminder there, a reminder to not let your guard down. It is a reminder that you have bled for a bit too long and you cannot afford to bleed more. It is a reminder that you should believe in the good while knowing that all is evil. It is a reminder that you should not trust the one who speaks sweet nothings but the one who tells you the harsh truth. It is a reminder that when you speak your truth, you will clash with the subjectivity of it. It is a reminder that you should stay a kid, while speaking nonsensical wisdom to the naive one. It is a reminder that you should abandon subjectivity before it abandons you. It is a reminder that when you stand on top of it all, you will be alone and these who have never seen the scenery from above will never hear the words of the abstraction - an idea of the difference in heights. It is a reminder that many people hear the sound and only a few hear the silence. It is a reminder that the blind sees the best. And it is a reminder that you have forgotten who you are long before you even recall that little "reminder" of yours.


It is that kind of an exhaustion. The one you can never abandon.



Solitude, what have you done to me? Or rather, what have you made of them all, them humans? Why do they seem so ugly, and yet so beautiful?


It's quiet.

And loud.


But I still know, you can't follow me, can you?

It's okay, I will be on that chair and watch it all play out. I know that play a bit too well, but let me see you dance some more...before I. ..Heh.


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entry: A long way.




Hello YaoiOtaku!

It has been a truly long time since I have posted. In fact, it has been a long time since I had time to think of hanging around.


First, I would like to thank my friends on this platform for bearing with me. You had the patience to wait for me to come back and none of you grew cold in their heart - towards our bounds.


Thank you.


Now then, my journey.

It has been around two years since I took on kind of a hard path. I still have a long way to go and a lot of stories to tell - a lot of lessons I learned.


Instead of sharing the stories, I can tell you several lessons from my life. Of course, all of the lessons are exclusively related to my life - this is another thing I learned. My lessons are mine - yours are yours. It does not mean what applies on my life will apply to yours.


Some of the lessons I knew prior to my journey but these two years made me realize and understand in depth all of the following which...


I learned...


That human greed knows no limit. And he who is blinded by greed - will never manage to see beyond it. Period. You may argue it, but greed is not something you learn to express - it is not a matter of Nature vs. Nurture. It is both. You have to be wired that way and choose to express such inborn qualities. Maybe...maybe it does not make any sense to you. But choice is a big thing in our life. It is not a matter of determinism and free will - it is both. It is a predisposition and you make a choice whether to follow or to abandon such predispositions. Ah -- probably, you will understand it with the expression: "the battle with oneself".


I learned...


That something real will last only through the test of time. That which is not real - will not take long to fall apart. And if you have things that fell apart in your life - do not despair. They were not real. Be happy that they fell apart. It cleared space and time for you to continue onto what is real. Seek the reality of things, not patching up the fantasy of yours. It is hard to let go - yes. But a fall is not an end of you, it is the end of a fantasy. Time tests reality -- and time is relative for that single reason: relativity of reality. Do not waste time to patch up. Real things do not need patching up.


I learned...


That money has no saying in your need to follow something. To people out there who say: "I do not have the money to afford this and that".


Wrong. You do not need money to afford something you feel that you need in your life. It can be a new job. A new lover. A new husband/wife. A new family. A kid. A new house. A new town. A new start. A new field of study. Afresh.


Everything that you need to be 'new' has a reason behind such a need. It can be abuse, it can be trauma, it can be a wrong choice, it can be regret, it can be a mentality. It is not money that you lack. It is courage and will to do it. Neither is 'age' related to courage and will. A three-year-old and a ninety-nine-year-old both can display the same ounce of courage.


But back onto the topic. Yes, I agree. Money is a factor. But remember, money is not a factor that determines the outcome of your decision. What influence it - should be your mind. Money is not your mind. It is an external stimulus that you believe is what determines your life. If you let money lead your life -- go back to my first 'lesson' - greed. Do not risk to be stained by greed. Who seeks money - calls for Greed.


I am not rich. I struggle with finances every next day. I take every day of my 'fresh start' as my last and I treat it as such. I give my best, I always look for alternatives and how to continue through the financial struggles just to reach what I need in my life - and truly so, what I need is knowledge.


Think about. How sad it would be if you give up on what you need because of money. Me giving up on knowledge for money. You giving up on a new [better] job where they respect you...all because of money. It is a patched up reality, my friend. And in case, you are not convinced - then, time will test your reality.


I learned...


That the world is a very deep sea of either boiling or freezing cold waters. I realized that some of us go through these waters in a different manner - some swim through, some are afloat, others are on a small wrecked-by-time boat, another one would go through these waters on a truly luxurious cruise and beware that once each of us reach the destination - the journey would affect us in a different way on a different level. So, when you feel that you are the only one who is sinking deep these waters - remember, the only depth that you have reached is your mind. What you sink towards is yourself, not the bottom of the sea. And if you survive of the pits of your mind, believe me, nothing can break you. Swimming and diving through such waters - take it as the bitterness of experienced wisdom. And between you and me, I prefer swimming than the VIP sector on a cruise ship.


I learned...


That I am stronger than what I believed to be. I thought I can take just 'that much'. No, dear friend. You and I - we both can take a lot more. It does not mean it is easy, it does not mean you will not have things falling apart. All that it means is that the stronger you become - the more fake masks you are able to see through. Believe me, the more you develop - the less disillusioned you will be. And it shall not take you long time to break through fake people who think that it is easy to fool you. But an advice, my friend. Do never show that strength of yours, for it can turn into Vanity.


If you learn how to pierce through deceit - do not let the deception know. It does not need to know. For time will do its wonders upon it.


I learned...


How to be sad. We all display sadness in a different manner. But the sorrow should not be destructive for too long - remember this. Sorrow destroys what you do not need in your life. A loss, a rejection, abusive reality, even death - you are a being that is alive. And life is portrayed through movement. Hence, my friend, do not become stagnant within the web of sorrow. It will destroy what once glued together your reality. But do not patch up that. For you are to be prepared for a new reality. Move on. I am not saying to forget and pretend nothing happened in your life - no. Movement is life. Move on. Let sadness last for as long as it is healthy. The longer you let it last - the less 'movement' you will allow in your life.


I learned...


That I can walk a path whilst being completely wrecked. And when you are wrecked - what you need is to remember which you have to keep on moving. If you are all alone and you think no one cares whether you keep going or not: so what? (":


Keep moving. Along the way, your strength and courage will naturally attract someone who wants to hold your hand. Do not keep on moving because of 'someone'. Keep on moving because of yourself. It is not selfish, it is called 'development of the self'. Real people, like you, will find you and you will find them - it works both way, it is not one-way.


Well then, I believe I said quite some things.

In case you have messaged me but I have not replied - sorry.

I will try my best to reply. (:


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