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Thread: [Immobilis]

  1. #31
    Yaoi Supervisor Alezander's Avatar
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    Re: [Immobilis]

    You know when you just graduated and now you're a potato and whoops, four months passed by in a flash and you're still on your unemployed ass... Okay I'll stop.


    There is a monster living inside me. Every night it eats me from the inside out. The evidence is a hard lump of acid pain in my throat. I hurt for every single second I try to breathe. But that is not the worst thing this monster does. Eery time I am about to fall asleep, it floods me with images and words, flashes of light in the back of my head and a lingering taste of loneliness. This monster fills me to the brim with emptiness. Ironically, it lives more when I am just about to choke.

    The monster is ghastly but at the same time a little ball of fur and sunshine, hope. It doesn't speak but it never fails to remind me that I am a disgusting child. It tells me to leave the hamster circle and walk alone. At least there is meaning in leaving all of it behind, it seemed to say. Let go of your body, your fancies your pleasures. This thing you want to do should be work instead of play if you want to succeed. Sell your sanity to the powers.

    Nothing else is supposed to matter. Take this seriously. And don't give up.

    The monster. It is neither a friend nor an enemy. It is a rule to live my life, even for just a short time as three minutes out of twenty it takes to prepare breakfast. Do more, write more! If you don't want to lose yourself or regret the future, do it! Do it now! Now, at the end of the day, the monster is my muse.

  2. #32
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    Re: [Immobilis]

    Something happened today. Upset, I listened to this beautiful music by Aurora and Askjell.



    I felt extremely dissatisfied with myself so I wrote this. I'm not sure if I want to feel better yet. I'm such a mess and I want to be saved but the world isn't kind enough to do it for me.

    I am angry at myself. There is so much unspoken thirst inside me that even I deny. I long and I ache, and then I look away. I curse myself for wanting something that I know I will not ever attempt to have in my hands. I have given up before I have even tried. I am tired of pining and feeding this desire. Once I convinced myself that I was capable of living without the hole in my chest only to cling to hope again. I am pathetic. I am so greedy and I hate myself. How many times must I hurt and feel small before I learn? Somehow I manage to fool myself. Over and over, as if I find gratification in the pain. I feel empty and yet it is all my fault.

    I dream of love appearing in front of me one day, easy and selfless. I am so childish to want to be loved wen I know that no one ever will. Nobody knows me and no one ever will. My fingers turn white clinging so hard to my own skin. Inside my head I scream for someone, anyone to rescue me from my loneliness. I am so lonely. I hate how I am so scared to go out and search for love myself, to reach out and fight for it to be mine. I fear pain because I am familiar with it and I know that it is merciless and ruthless. Rejection is not an answer to give to my fragile heart.

    I must be so idealistic. Maybe I am a hypocrite. Desperation eats me slowly every day that passes me by. I want to touch and be touched. I want to be loved. This is my deepest, rawest wish.

  3. #33
    Yaoi Supervisor Alezander's Avatar
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    Re: [Immobilis]

    Real question: do you think liking someone for nearly seven years can be considered love, or is it still infatuation?

    I am annoyed at myself because I know that love takes hard work, it's not going to happen all by itself. So I tried to put initiative. It didn't really work out. But I wasn't rejected, and I didn't confess either. I could've tried harder, but I might have been a nuisance to the other person and my friends told me I was being creepy so I stopped.

    I admit that it wasn't like me to act that way and I felt like I was pretending. But maybe I say that because trying to connect was making me go out of my shell? Is that a sign of being in love or desperation? Aren't we supposed to abandon pretense and give our all to pursue a love which may be true?

    Where the hell do you draw the line?

    I can't. I can't tell.


    Hi, how are you? I miss you and I want to see you. Talking to you before has been so stressful to me, but tonight I wonder how that would go now that we have both changed. Truthfully, I haven't changed much. I'm still secretive, a bit indifferent. I am a lot more honest now, and I still lie without hesitation. But you know me. If I'm pushed to a corner I start to crumble. You used to do that to me, testing my patience and making me angry. You annoyed me countless times, you picked fights and called me ugly. I miss you for that, but I also hate you because of that.

    I wonder if you're doing well, if you've grown a lot both outside and inside. You used to have trouble gathering your courage to talk in front of a crowd. Have you fixed that or are you still shaking in your boots whenever you have to present a report? Have you experienced your first depression yet? I think you have. From the short conversation I had with you months ago, I figured you already have. I'll be honest, I've been waiting for it to happen. I'm so selfish. I wanted to be near you, to experience your development with you. I wanted to watch you as you grew into the person you are now. It doesn't matter to me if you're perfect or not. I just really needed to see you, to talk to you. And if I might add, to have you.

    I dream about you a lot. So many times, in so many scenarios. Many, if not all of them, we are either platonically involved or there is moderate attraction between us. It might be my biased mind, but we aren't the awkward, quarrelling pair that we are in real life when in my dreams. You are always so kind. You take my hand, grasp it in your warm and big ones. I like your hands. I like your shape. I like that I have to tip my head back to look at you, and I secretly wish you like me too. What if the thought of stealing a kiss from me crossed your mind during those times that I had to look up to face you? I would absolutely melt and turn into goo if you did. You can have that effect on me. I'm sorry that my helplessness is directed at you.

    I try not to imagine you with another girl. Sometimes the image of you with a guy occurs to me too, and that is easier to swallow. But still, the thought makes me bitter and sad. If I will never have you, if you are not meant for me, then I just pray that the roots of you in me disappear without injury. I might have pinned you as love itself subconsciously in my head, when maybe you are not my love. I want to ask, I need to know. Do you think of me too? Do you trouble yourself with memories of me before you sleep? I wouldn't even be offended if you touch yourself thinking of me. I know I need closure, but it's so hard to have one when you're so far away. But if fate allows that we meet and you turn out to be the wrong answer, then I just hope I passed the test, and that I'll be free of you.

  4. #34
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    Re: [Immobilis]

    I feel quite impatient for that exciting storm that life promised me.


    Vast

    Wondering if there's anything for me out there
    High above where the skies touch a glass ceiling
    While I am here with both my feet on the ground.

    Everywhere I turn and wherever I may end up
    I taste the sweet, spicy scent of home and comfort
    Feeling all warm and snuggled up, safe from everything.

    Maybe one day I'll finally understand all of this
    Then I will spread my wings, bearing my own song
    Whistling the words out of my mouth, into air.

    I will be free, someday.
    Somewhere.

  5. #35
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    Re: [Immobilis]




    My heart feels full and empty at the same time. I feel as if I have sold my time short and that I have mistaken my days to keep on going without consequence. The same lunch breakfast, the same bedsheets. I haven't forgotten saying my prayers every night and today I dream as well. I run with the wolves again and again, yet I am still so dormant. I know I am not failing, but by not doing I feel as if I'm dying. Closing my eyes gives me momentary peace. Pulling my blanket close to my face does nothing to hide this everyday emptiness. Hours slip by as if they will never run out. I think and think and think. I know I have a duty to give back someday, but I never do. And am I truly obliged? This position that I have placed myself in, this state that I am currently on, did I do this to myself? I feel like I want to fly but then to do so I must do this first, and then that next, and then another is coming up after the following thing. The work, the pressure, duties never stop. I placed all of them on my shoulders, without regard for anybody. I have held myself back for the sake of prolonging my release. I talk about setting myself free and yet here I am, running away again because it is easier. Cowardice is a defense mechanism but perhaps it is time I let it go. Push myself, challenge the rules and pave the road. I don't remember what I am waiting for. Love? Opportunity? Intervention? Maybe. I'm not sure, I have forgotten. But there is something I can undo now, the shackles I have tied around my wrists, my eyes and my mouth. Nothing should stop me now. I should stop for nothing now. Help me, my dear self. Tell me to be strong.


    Translation: I gotta write more, sleep more. Then get a job.

  6. #36
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    Re: [Immobilis]


    I don't like being this way. I feel so tired. My chest is always heavy and it hurts to breath. I feel sleepy all the time but my mind is too noisy to let me rest. Like Zico's song, sometimes I want to be hugged tight. To be crushed in a pleasant way, warm and secure. To feel safe without pretending. My skin is cold from being outside. I want a home. In my life, there are friends that talk to me about their problems. If it wasn't me, then it would be someone else. I have people that I love and open up to. I tell them my insecurities and dreams, a piece of my secrets and my suspicions. There is a fragment of me in everyone else.

    But no one has ever seen me, known me as I am.

    I want to be seen. God, I wish I had one person. Just one person who I can be vulnerable to and not be judged, taken advantage of, and still feel safe. I want a home. A hand to hold onto, a warmth to return to. In my weakest moments when I need a pillar to hold me up, to tell me that it's alright to rest. A person so absolute that being with them will complete me.

    Is it so wrong to wait? To find chance and let it drift to me. All in the name of fate. Falling so deep that I don't notice, becoming silly but happy. Trying to function as one but knowing that I can't because I'm too in love, too honest that denying myself doesn't matter. This person, my home, will consume my thoughts for always until my senses are satiated. Feeling this person's lips, this person's kindness and strength. Their flaws making them imperfect in the most beautiful way.

    I want a home.

    My most important person.

    My best friend.

    My home.

  7. #37
    Yaoi Supervisor Alezander's Avatar
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    Re: [Immobilis]

    Phew...

    Just when I thought I was finally free from a certain person, I dream of them again. I never seem to have a good two weeks of my life without somehow seeing this person in my dreams. Almost all of the time, the dreams have a recurring theme: hands. Whether it's hand holding, kissing of hands or squeezing. Curious, I've begun to check out dream interpretations a while back. Apparently I'm a very lonely person. I couldn't agree more.

    But hey, loneliness helps me with my writing so it's not all that sad.


    reaching out towards you, sapling-like.

    Fingertips grew colder the moment a whisper brushed my cheek. There is a stillness inside, such as the silent bubbling of emotions. The air feels charged whenever I think of you. It's no wonder my hands start to wrap in cold sweat. Lying to myself was easy, convincing myself was almost. Maybe it was apparent from the start that cutting you off was impossible. I dream of you so often that sometimes it's so weird to think that I haven't told you what I feel yet. You know nothing, but in my mind you have read me inside out.

    I was lying on my back, peacefully vulnerable. You were sitting on the space beside my limp body. I had fallen asleep but I could see your face through my eyelids. You were smiling as you watched my frowning face, my mouth murmuring nonsense in my sleep. Surprisingly and for the first time, you weren't a boy. In my dream, you are your present self. Your arms were long and lean as always, your hands seemingly always touching my skin. At some point, my fingers slipped into the pocket of your shirt. You laughed and leaned down, letting me pull you to me. Later on you shifted, wanting to lie down with me. Instinctively, my left arm moved to accommodate you, and soon your warm body was brushing against me. Your right hand found my left and you laced your fingers through mine. Loosely, like you were uncertain if it was alright to do this to me. Through my lashes I caught you sneaking to take a picture of our linked hands.

    Then I woke up.

    Anyone else who keeps dreaming of their crush here?
    Last edited by Alezander; 12-07-2019 at 05:55 AM.

  8. #38
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    Re: [Immobilis]

    This journal entry was written while listening to this beautiful track entitled "[Only registered and activated users can see links. ]" by NΣΣT from his lovely album Dream Keys. Give it a listen if you have the time! I promise it will be worth it~


    If someone went inside my heart and saw it, what would it look like? Closing my eyes and focusing while listening to sweet music, I thought I caught a glimpse of it. My heart looked like a lot of places.

    Dark and windy, the pressure stops me from moving forward on my bare feet. My clothes are pulled back as I am, my arms in front on me. The wind howls wildly, forcing me backwards. Then the scenery changes, my toes brush lush grass. Wet and cold with dew, a morning so fresh and early that no sign of the sun could be seen yet and the sky was a dark, hazy grey, cloudy vast.

    I am facing the ocean now. The air is still but damp on my cheek. I step forward from grass to sand, the grainy feel comforting to my soles. A flash of a vague image, a lad with his hand offered to me. In a second he is gone, projected off to the horizon. My breath catches in my throat as an unknown urge to follow seized me, but the black water is frightening, wild and merciless. I dared not step in.

    I looked back from where I came, turned my eyes away from the water. Behind me sat a weathered shack, a sad looking box of old wood. I made my way to it and in the blink of an eye, I was sitting on a corner within it, my body curled tightly and my knees pulled up against my chest. I felt lonely then in the dark. The howls from outside battered the planks of the structure, and I gathered myself closer.

    Not long after, the door opened and a pool of light splashed in. The backs of my eyes hurt as I raised my head, taking a moment to realize that it was the lad. Head returned and was again offering his hand to me. I stood, allowed myself to approach him. I wanted to be embraced, to be held so tightly and carefully as if I was precious.

    I do not know what happens next because then I opened my eyes. I no longer could see what was in my heart.


  9. #39
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    Re: [Immobilis]





    this scenery, i wanted to share it with you.
    but now i guess i never will.




    Amazingly, the thirst and desperation, along with the incessant worrying and loneliness drifted away with the holidays. It was like I yearned for you simply because the seasons obligated me. Now that the excitement has died down, my perception of our possibilities dwindles with my affection. It's like I have gotten over you, as if all that fussing was just me choosing to be miserable. I am able to look at your picture without feeling anything now. I can think of you, dream of you without mulling over it so much that it sours my mood. I think, for the most part, that I am free. Maybe I have never been chained to you in the first place, but because I preferred the look of attachment on me, I had accepted myself to be imprisoned in the imaginary cage I set myself in. Today I write as I listen to a track that is titled how I thought I felt. I am still in love with you. I am unsure. Maybe I am, maybe I should start over and look at you for who you are now. Not as the bully, not as the secret I made you out to be, not as the genteel person in my dreams, but as your one, true self. I have been looking through rose colored glasses for too long. Maybe it's time to move on. Maybe I am ready to move on. With this, I hope I can be better, so that I can look at you and tell you that you have made me so much stronger, so much deeper as a person. Thank you and I love you.


  10. #40
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    Re: [Immobilis]


    [Only registered and activated users can see links. ]


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