Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 123
Results 21 to 29 of 29

Thread: [Immobilis]

  1. #21
    Yaoi Legend yaoi4fans's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Location
    NY
    Position
    Uke
    Posts
    717
    Credits
    18,217
    yaoi4fans Inventory
    Victor and Yuri Shikina YO Host 2017 Inu-san

    Re: [Immobilis]

    @[Only registered and activated users can see links. ]
    Just dropping by to tell you I love your blog!~~~ The last poem is so beautiful too! <3

  2. The following user likes this post by yaoi4fans:


  3. #22
    Yaoi Wizard Alezander's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Location
    Philippines
    Position
    Secret
    Posts
    399
    Credits
    155,650
    Alezander Inventory
    Sinbad Soo Han Woo Toma Blue Hero

    Re: [Immobilis]

    Being the Mayor for a college society is a sad thing, especially when your officers don't give a shit about anything.

    SORRY FOR THE LANGUAGE. I'M JUST SO STRESSED.


    I miss going to bed early. I miss waking up late. I miss staying in even when I'm already awake. A thousand message threads and non of them really mean anything. Except perhaps my mom's I love you's and my sister's ramblings, my friend's comforts and the ever annoying billing reminder. I get the feeling that I have failed to take care of myself properly lately. I can't even finish the book I'm reading. Some weeks back my sister gave me a facial mask as a New Year's gift, and everyday I tell myself that definitely, surely by next weekend I shall and will use it. But then I get distracted with manga and anime, movies and drama CDs, posters and porn, cats and food. I hardly pause for a quick breathe. In. Out. Again and again. Every night before I finish my reflections, I collapse my way into a dreamless sleep which always ends without notice, and then I am jolted viciously awake by next morning. For only just a short time I find myself nearing the edge. I must admit, I did not see this coming, not really. I thought I could bear it all through brute force, but now I know I can't. I need help, but no one else realizes this. No one. Even to me, the shit I say sounds no different from excuses. That person, this episode, the damn fucking homework. I blame too many things that I have no fingers left. Pointing at everything like a seasoned hypocrite. Without a hint of shame. In the nights, in the beats of momentary rest, I am alone. I climb to bed by myself, and I tell myself goodnight just in case I fall asleep without realizing again. I may have not reached extreme loneliness, but there is an emptiness right here in my chest. Not enough to destroy, but poison enough to hurt. Blurrier than ever, the lines I tread on. A past friend does not matter more than the stranger by my side. But since I am nearing collapse, I whisper my wishes and kiss my thoughts away.

  4. #23
    Yaoi Wizard Alezander's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Location
    Philippines
    Position
    Secret
    Posts
    399
    Credits
    155,650
    Alezander Inventory
    Sinbad Soo Han Woo Toma Blue Hero

    Re: [Immobilis]

    I'D LIKE TO WARN THAT THE FOLLOWING TEXT GREATLY IMPLIES SELF NEGATIVITY. IF YOU'RE NOT UP FOR IT, I OFFER KOROSENSEI, who always reminds us to "polish your second knives"

    So there is a series of journal entries I would like to share. These entries were written in January 2018, a time when I was so, so stressed that I started thinking and wondering how shoelaces would feel if I wrapped them around my neck and pulled tight.


    January 24, 2018 11:18
    I feel bullied. But maybe it's just me. I don't know. In this city, no one is my friend. There is only me and the voices in my head, and the callings of my stomach, the stinging in my eyes, the throbbing in my head. There is nothing, no one else. One would think how wonderful it would be to be surrounded by so many specimens. But there is me. There I am. That solitary figure by the corner. I am alone. And I have no one.


    January 25, 2018 22:55
    Maybe I should cry for help. Maybe I should kill myself...

    I looked at the mirror only to find it funny how pathetic I looked. Swollen red eyes, wrinkles on my forehead, bitten down lips. So stupid, so pitiful.

    I lay on my bed, staring into the blank darkness, the vast unfairness. With music whispering in my ears, I feel myself struggle with every breath and a little twitch jolt my finger. Sometimes it's easier to drift away, outside of my own body and watch myself, just there, lying and doing nothing. Neither sleeping or awake. Sometimes it's easier to be nothing.

    There is a stinging at the back of my eyes and an emptiness in my stomach, a heavy, heavy burden here in my chest. To receive blessings is actually a form of cruelty. I cannot run away. Shoved down my throat, I smile and endure everything. I cannot run away.

    Sail away. Far, far, so far away. Further, more and more. Until I recognize nothing, until I see nothing. Farther away, until there is only the end, the edge and myself. Then I will look down, down into the mouth of despair, the open maw of nothingness. Bliss.

    Please. No more.


    January 25, 2018 23:21
    Please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please please please please help me please please please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please help me.


    January 28, 2018 1:41
    And the moment was past.



    END

    So two days after I broke down I wrote "the moment was past". It means that the soldier was at ease. So many things had converged that, as a student living away from my family, I had to settle for a phone call with my parents and that two hour talk really saved me. I badly needed someone to listen and I was fortunate enough to have not just one, but three: my ambitious mother who says " aim higher!", my stoic father who says "that's not even hard to do", and my carefree sister who says "eyy, five or ten years from now you'll laugh at yourself"... Put these souls together and I had my antidote. People really need to talk it out, cry it out, binge-eat it out. Don't bottle it up. What are you,a collector?

    Also, I'd like to share that on the morning of January 26, I got so weirded out by the number of " help me's" I wrote. It was so alarming that I slapped myself and told myself to "get it together." I can't be the only one swinging back and forth, loving and hating myself like this, right?

    I lost all my roommates this semester, see, because they moved to other rooms with their new friends. So I was really worried that I kept thinking of stupid, stupid things and playing with fire and matches because there was no need to display manners to.

  5. #24
    Yaoi Wizard Alezander's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Location
    Philippines
    Position
    Secret
    Posts
    399
    Credits
    155,650
    Alezander Inventory
    Sinbad Soo Han Woo Toma Blue Hero

    Re: [Immobilis]

    Written while listening to Winner's Different.

    [Only registered and activated users can see links. ]
    Do I really need to choose? An angel or a demon. Can't I be something that's in between? Making mistakes just like everyone else, failing like everyone else. Yearning and faking, even being dishonest to myself. Time is a merciless creature. Like an oasis seeming to be forgiving yet turning out to be just an illusion, fizzling like bubbles in a sugary drink. Torn between chasing a passion and succumbing to resignation. Maybe I am just different. I cannot chose, for both sides of myself is true. My past collapses and my tomorrow weeps at my present who is barely moving, trying to survive. It's too much, life is. Like a woman so irresistible, so dangerous but captures your breath at the most unexpected of moments. Then I find myself wanting more. Tired and wanting for more. Nothing can ever come close to shameless than this. But is shameless a bad thing? I cannot chose. Confusion is a funny thing. The more you learn the foggier the answer gets. Maybe I am just different. Inside me is a vastness waiting to be filled yet I embrace this, this emptiness. Disappointment towards myself. Disillusionment towards myself. When did I start thinking I could conquer the world? When did I start thinking I could be better? I seem to be running in circles and as I complete each lap, I hear myself screaming louder and louder until my ears, my heart cannot take no more. It's too painful. Each step means giving too much while knowing there will be no returns. I am exhausting myself like this everyday. I try to trust myself blindly, just like I always have. But the older I get I find it harder to believe in anything. Even the stars change, betraying me like a stray cat would. Yet there are those sweet moments when I just woke up, when I am faced with the decision to live or not, to breathe or not, to hang or not, to try or not. And each time I fold my blanket, leave my bed and take a shower, put on make up and leave my room, I feel a piece of myself shed, like the snake's old skin. I have died a thousand, a million times. I am a fragment nearing zero. Maybe I am just different. I cannot let this go. I gave too much to give up on this. I cannot choose. Closing my eyes is probably the only solace my God has given me. From His holy seat in high heaven, He watches me. He watches. Only. That is all He ever does. But I should be thankful still, I guess. Rewriting the past might be easier, foretelling the future might be easier. Sleeping might be easier. Dying might be easier. But is it better? Is it happiness ahead? Fulfilment. I must be arrogant for thinking I can make myself happy, but it is not like someone else can. I cannot chose. Maybe I am just different.

  6. #25
    Yaoi Wizard Alezander's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Location
    Philippines
    Position
    Secret
    Posts
    399
    Credits
    155,650
    Alezander Inventory
    Sinbad Soo Han Woo Toma Blue Hero

    Re: [Immobilis]

    A motivational entry written while listening to this beautiful Mushishi OST


    I felt very at peace writing this. I was conversing with my past selves and my future bruised selves, telling myself to be strong because when the storm is past, there is always something beautiful to look forward to after the end. I hope more people in the world feel the same way I did as I was writing this, especially during this era when depression has become a natural occurrence.

    [Only registered and activated users can see links. ]
    Listen to me and only me.
    There is a myriad of stars right outside your window. An entire cavalry of roads and open skies waiting to be treaded on. There far out into the horizon is the open sea stretched out, waiting for your embrace. Can you feel it? Close your eyes and trust me. Don't be afraid, breathe. Swallow the sweetness of the morning air, the scent of shivering dew on bent leaves. Stillness is now your friend, when beauty is your mother. There is much in this universe to be appreciated, much more in this world to be told in stories. Life has not abandoned you. I swear it. I swear it upon the very wind that fingers your hair. I swear it upon the warm skin of a loved one. I swear it upon the very rush of your heart beating inside your chest. You are alive and you are today. You are fate incarnate, and you may grow like the hard earned crops of the earth. Steady now, spread your body. You have yourself, and you are enough. Whisper to me your darkest secrets, your most painful of memories and heaviest of burdens. Tell me you are tired. Even the most resilient of birds are pained by the rain. Even the wisest of snow fall on disturbed waters. You may be suffering, but all of it will pass one day. I swear it. Close your eyes and take my hand. Trust me that I will never let go. Just focus on me. Listen to me and only me.

  7. The following user likes this post by Alezander:


  8. #26
    Yaoi Wizard Alezander's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Location
    Philippines
    Position
    Secret
    Posts
    399
    Credits
    155,650
    Alezander Inventory
    Sinbad Soo Han Woo Toma Blue Hero

    Re: [Immobilis]

    I wrote this on a night when I couldn't sleep and the fever had fried my brain so instead I pulled up Denpa Onna to Seishuun Otoko's OST by Fanz Maxwell I. and got stuck on the track titled Crying. Denpa Onna is my favorite anime of all time. It just means a lot to me. It presents itself as an easygoing everyday life story but it keeps reminding that Erio is going through a lot... okay, I should talk about (my love for it) it another time...

    The music just sounds so... needy. I imagined this is what it sounds like when you want to tell a person something very intimate and important but every time you try you just can't bring yourself to.



    I want you.

    Eyes meeting so suddenly
    I caught you and you caught me
    Staring at each other from across the room
    We both burned from a fire we can't put out
    I cannot tell you how much I needed
    To go over and tell you so badly
    "I want you."
    I want you.
    So much I can't help dreaming of you
    Every single night
    Even in my daydreams
    I've grown impatient
    All this running and chasing we do
    Be mine. Be mine.
    Please.
    I want you.


    I admit, I was thinking of a certain person while I was writing this. Not because I still want that person to be mine, just that he was the only person I liked that I actually considered confessing my feelings to. I convinced myself that it didn't matter to me if he liked me back or not, just that I wanted to tell him my feelings so I could thank him for making me happy, even if he never intended to. On the last day of high school before we went our separate ways, I stood in front of him opening and closing my mouth like a fish, just staring at his face and thinking "c'mon girl, you can do it!" but in the end I wimped out and I just deflated while watching his back as he left. I still dream of him, though, and every time I do he kisses my hands before I wake up.

    Erm. Okay.

    Although I don't have anyone like this for now, I do hope that one day I can have feelings for someone so strong that I just feel like bursting, the bittersweet feeling of it diffusing in my chest.

    What about you?

  9. #27
    Yaoi Wizard Alezander's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Location
    Philippines
    Position
    Secret
    Posts
    399
    Credits
    155,650
    Alezander Inventory
    Sinbad Soo Han Woo Toma Blue Hero

    Re: [Immobilis]

    [RED]

    Good God, am I glad I woke up from this.

    Killings. There was no blood. At least they said. Only a thick, yellow liquid. Or was it solid? A viscous liquid of some sort. He was shot in the head. There was an agonized wail. It was shot in the head. Three men from behind it, two in the front. I an unknowing bystander caught in it. It wailed but I heard the inhuman sound as if it was projected from a speaker. Like I wasn't there because my mind couldn't take it. I saw the corpse through a scope of the man who spoke to me, saying "It has to be taken down!" A bang later, the man said "Shit! The yellow!" And I was yelling "Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck!" Through the scope I saw his corpse. There was the large hole of the bullet on the forehead, cut clean. No blood. But no yellow either. There was nothing. The wail is back. I feel sick. It looked like one of those uncles I'd casually say "Good evening" to. The three men closed around it while it wailed. The man with the scope scuttled away to avoid the line of fire. Fire. I didn't even see the bullet. Not the blood. Nor the yellow. They had looked at me unusually. I didn't understand. I kept doing what I was doing, getting data. I didn't know. The wail. I feel sick. The loud bang, then the thud. Its face in the scope had only tired lines left. Fuck. I feel sick.

    I felt horrible once I woke up because the first thing that came to my mind was [Only registered and activated users can see links. ]. I know, this is a sensitive topic and personally I have been one to flippantly dismiss it, not even attempting to give it much thought. Then I had this terrible dream of a man, it being killed because of the yellow had infested his head and that there was no salvation for him anymore. One of my friends once asked me what I thought about this subject before and I (stupidly, naively) answered him "Well, at the very least I think it's at least something? At least an attempt to purge this place, no matter how wrong and unjustified, is being made." And he answered me, restlessly: "People can actually die on the basis of a single rumor."
    .
    .
    .
    My heart is heavy now because I have been living under the sunlight all these years after all. I was, am and still blind to the sufferings of others. It's like some almighty Power above thought "It's time Alezander opened her eyes to these sort of things" and purposefully gave me the nightmare I had this morning. Or maybe I was given a glimpse of the horror so I could appreciate my life better?

  10. #28
    Yaoi Wizard Alezander's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Location
    Philippines
    Position
    Secret
    Posts
    399
    Credits
    155,650
    Alezander Inventory
    Sinbad Soo Han Woo Toma Blue Hero

    Re: [Immobilis]


    round the corner, darling.

    Apparently I don't deserve to be loved. I don't deserve love. Maybe. I don't know. I have been trying to be patient. All this time, for years, I have been patient. I looked out for signs, for the correct signals telling me if I should e fighting for something that might just become mine if I held it tight enough in my hands. Like sand time slips through my fingers. The clock ticks on my daily life and I keep looking around, waiting. Always, always waiting. In a moment's spur, or so it seemed, I have declared myself incapable of falling in love. I tell people I am jaded and calloused, hoping that they won't judge me to be of selective standard. Really, I'm not. At this point, I'd be happy to fall in love with a plant, if that is allowed. Deep in my heart I hope I am not so, one of elective standard, I mean. It's frightening to think of, and very curious indeed as I ask myself from time to time. What do I lack? What is it, that vital something that seems to be completely absent from me? I turn to my peers, me friends around me. Many of them, even if their feelings aren't reciprocated, even if they haven't invested yet, have that special sparkle that let's them look at another person and say "ah, I do like this fellow".

    Plenty of times in the past, I have mentioned how I like to see the good in people, give them the benefit of the doubt unless proven otherwise. As a result, I seem to like a lot of persons, but never enough to fall in love with one of them. It is tiring to be always waiting. Sometimes a simple observation of a pair, or prospective pair, gives me the sunniest of moods and the heaviest of pains. I long to be feel that connection. I am jealous of the people who have experienced such life defining encounters for a considerable portion of their lives, regardless of how genuine the attachments are. I am afraid that perhaps I am too idealistic, fooled by the picture perfect beginnings of stories. If so, I feel wretched and sorry for myself. No one taught me how to love so I tried reaching myself, and unfortunately fell into a misleading trap.

    Bittersweetness.

    Even if it hurts, I want to feel it. Even if it's too much, too energy depleting, I wan to taste it. Somehow I feel embarrassed to be so desperate over something so hopeless, but at this moment I am being most honest. I could clutch at straws at the slightest of promises. I would hurl myself to the sea and trudge across ridges at the faintest of possibilities. Why, is this thing that I ask something so expensive? Must I give up a large portion of reason and privacy to have a glimpse of it? My pride? I don't know what works anymore. In the past, I have been a natural closed shell. I didn't have friends but I knew how to like a person. I was lonely so I wanted to be with someone so intimately that I could tell him my deepest of secrets and darkest of insecurities. Over time I learned to be more open, more accepting. I gained friends and even strangers could become enjoyable company. But I am still lonely. That part hasn't changed. There is a small difference though. I have realized some years back that I might have a preference for people who hurt me, oppose me and overpower me. It may sound perverted, but I want to be dominated. Right now, I blame this on the fact that I am a very introspective person. Almost professional, if there is such a thing.

    Knowing myself so well has led me to believe that there are few things that I must be mistaken with, thus making it believable as to why I yearn to be cornered helpless. If in the past I sought comfort, now I want pain. Yet truthfully it doesn't matter to me anymore. All I want is a pair of eyes completely mine. A pair of hands, warm and solid in mine. A voice of soothing gruffness calling my name in the dark and lulling me slowly to sleep. Maybe a pair of soft lips in perpetual cockiness, pressing kisses with one-sided firmness. An entire existence, a single person this world crafted just for me. I don't want anything more. I just want to be loved. I want to love someone so much and so completely that I hurt. Is that too much to ask? I do 't want to be told that it is impossible for me. I'll work hard. Anything, everything. Just a single person, nothing else. No one else. As long as that fellow comes, I'll be patient. I can wait.

  11. #29
    Yaoi Wizard Alezander's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Location
    Philippines
    Position
    Secret
    Posts
    399
    Credits
    155,650
    Alezander Inventory
    Sinbad Soo Han Woo Toma Blue Hero

    Re: [Immobilis]

    Nobody cares about a broken girl unless she's pretty. Or cute. Or hot. I don't care about the whole "beauty is in the inside" shit. It's all bullshit. All play pretend like sugarcoated sweets for shallows. This is the truth and you'd have to kill me twice and feed me pig's shit to convince me otherwise.

Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 123
Yaoi Manga, KPop Profiles