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Thread: Ancora Imparo

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    天神 Saga's Avatar
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    Sep 2011
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    Kou Mabuchi Tadaomi Shirotani Arisato Minato Midori

    Re: Ancora Imparo

    entry: What have you become, humanity?

    Welcome to a very dark post.
    A bit of poetic, a bit of artistic. But in between the layers of creativity in words, you can find many truths. Your truths, someone else's truths. I wonder how much of it will be my own truth though.

    These recent weeks have been tough. My mind has been colorful in the sense of making jumps from everything to nothing. Between the dark and the light, between the loud and the quiet. But after some time in the deep pit of complexity of this world, you find things for very simple actually. And it is not that we have to go through hardships to notice what it is around us, we just selectively choose what to see and how to see it. Well, you are very welcome to a dispute on that one. You can disagree all you want, but that does not mean it is less true or less false.

    You know, I am losing sense of who I am. And that is not like how it sounds, it is not losing your essence but rather your choice of who you want to be. It confuses you, but you may ask what is it that you call "it"? Well, humans.

    Humans never cease to amaze me. In that sense of the word where it is not like I am surprised. It is not like I do not expect the unexpected, but it still amazes me. It is because we cannot break from the world of subjectivity. Your subjective mind creates me in one light, my neighbor's subjective mind sees me in another light. So is with my friends, so is with my foes, so is with all the people around me. And at the end of the day, exhausted from this subjectivity, I ended up thinking funny things like - am I me or am I you?

    We seem to provoke others, each other. This is how what the world calls 'love' and 'hate' are ignited after all - a simple provocation within your subjectivity.

    But when we drop and if we can drop subjectivity, left with the ever so cold objectivity - who can I be? Who do you see me to be?

    You know, I don't lack admiration nor do I lack attention...but when I am confessed to...I don't understand what people mean by "I like you". I am much more comfortable with the ...well, the dislike. I mean, dislike creates clear borders. Very clear borders.

    I was once asked why do I prefer my foes in some cases over my friends and why do I find foes for admirable? Who in their right mind would respect their enemy? Well, I. You know why? Because there is no room for lies there. You clearly expect the blade to go through your core, you are ready to get your bones smashed. You know your foe, for the foe is what you are.

    I bet you can't follow, hm?

    Do you think friends only make you who you are? Do you think only they can hint for who you are? Or your family makes you who you are? Well, if you do - you are very naive. Turn around, look behind back - what is your foe like? What is their hatred like? What do they dislike you for? Does your subjectivity even allow you to see pass your own ego though? I doubt.

    I wish to live in a world where humans know how to respect their foe. But instead I live in a world where humans cannot comprehend that single statement. They cannot comprehend what is it to respect a foe. They cannot accept anything but what they like to see and hear. Now, this is what I call a subjective mind.

    But then again, when you drop your wishful thinking, when you drop that subjectivity - when you drop the desire to hear or see something...what are you left with? What am I left with? It's awfully quiet when you reach that point. But that quiet doesn't scare me, it doesn't seem to make me fear step in deeper. But it is...dead quiet.

    I am not a person who copes well with humans. But I don't lack the art of socializing either. I know I can be anything I like in a group of people. I can lead, I can follow. I can provoke admiration, I can provoke dislike, I can provoke everything I want. But when you learn how to provoke and manipulate that simple subjectivity in end up end up wondering who you are. Because humans can no longer be your mirror. They can't really tell you the truth, for the truth they speak was provoked long before they even knew it. For the subjectivity is a bit too oblivious.

    It truly amazes me. How unexpectedly predictable things can be, and I sit there on the chair watching it all play out. When the performance is over though, how do I think I feel on that chair? Bored, for I knew the outcome beforehand? Silly, for I wasted my time? Or maybe pathetic, for I knew and I knew..and I knew but I sat like a clown on the throne of pretense?

    Don't get me wrong though, I keep no ill feelings towards humans. I spite of all, still can find some fond feelings within myself towards selective individuals, even if I can't really show it well. Somewhat you lose yourself within the soundless world.

    I am very tired.

    But my tired is a different kind, it is not what you would understand. I do sincerely hope you actually cannot understand it. Because it is a sort of exhaustion you don't get rid of. It acts as a reminder there, a reminder to not let your guard down. It is a reminder that you have bled for a bit too long and you cannot afford to bleed more. It is a reminder that you should believe in the good while knowing that all is evil. It is a reminder that you should not trust the one who speaks sweet nothings but the one who tells you the harsh truth. It is a reminder that when you speak your truth, you will clash with the subjectivity of it. It is a reminder that you should stay a kid, while speaking nonsensical wisdom to the naive one. It is a reminder that you should abandon subjectivity before it abandons you. It is a reminder that when you stand on top of it all, you will be alone and these who have never seen the scenery from above will never hear the words of the abstraction - an idea of the difference in heights. It is a reminder that many people hear the sound and only a few hear the silence. It is a reminder that the blind sees the best. And it is a reminder that you have forgotten who you are long before you even recall that little "reminder" of yours.

    It is that kind of an exhaustion. The one you can never abandon.

    Solitude, what have you done to me? Or rather, what have you made of them all, them humans? Why do they seem so ugly, and yet so beautiful?

    It's quiet.
    And loud.

    But I still know, you can't follow me, can you?
    It's okay, I will be on that chair and watch it all play out. I know that play a bit too well, but let me see you dance some more...before I. ..Heh.

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