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Thread: Ancora Imparo

  1. #11
    天神 Saga's Avatar
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    Re: Ancora Imparo

    entry: What have you become, humanity?
    rating:
    -----------------------

    Hello.
    Welcome to a very dark post.
    A bit of poetic, a bit of artistic. But in between the layers of creativity in words, you can find many truths. Your truths, someone else's truths. I wonder how much of it will be my own truth though.

    These recent weeks have been tough. My mind has been colorful in the sense of making jumps from everything to nothing. Between the dark and the light, between the loud and the quiet. But after some time in the deep pit of complexity of this world, you find things for very simple actually. And it is not that we have to go through hardships to notice what it is around us, we just selectively choose what to see and how to see it. Well, you are very welcome to a dispute on that one. You can disagree all you want, but that does not mean it is less true or less false.

    You know, I am losing sense of who I am. And that is not like how it sounds, it is not losing your essence but rather your choice of who you want to be. It confuses you, but you may ask what is it that you call "it"? Well, humans.

    Humans never cease to amaze me. In that sense of the word where it is not like I am surprised. It is not like I do not expect the unexpected, but it still amazes me. It is because we cannot break from the world of subjectivity. Your subjective mind creates me in one light, my neighbor's subjective mind sees me in another light. So is with my friends, so is with my foes, so is with all the people around me. And at the end of the day, exhausted from this subjectivity, I ended up thinking funny things like - am I me or am I you?

    We seem to provoke others, each other. This is how what the world calls 'love' and 'hate' are ignited after all - a simple provocation within your subjectivity.

    But when we drop and if we can drop subjectivity, left with the ever so cold objectivity - who can I be? Who do you see me to be?

    You know, I don't lack admiration nor do I lack attention...but when I am confessed to...I don't understand what people mean by "I like you". I am much more comfortable with the ...well, the dislike. I mean, dislike creates clear borders. Very clear borders.

    I was once asked why do I prefer my foes in some cases over my friends and why do I find foes for admirable? Who in their right mind would respect their enemy? Well, I. You know why? Because there is no room for lies there. You clearly expect the blade to go through your core, you are ready to get your bones smashed. You know your foe, for the foe is what you are.

    I bet you can't follow, hm?

    Do you think friends only make you who you are? Do you think only they can hint for who you are? Or your family makes you who you are? Well, if you do - you are very naive. Turn around, look behind back - what is your foe like? What is their hatred like? What do they dislike you for? Does your subjectivity even allow you to see pass your own ego though? I doubt.

    I wish to live in a world where humans know how to respect their foe. But instead I live in a world where humans cannot comprehend that single statement. They cannot comprehend what is it to respect a foe. They cannot accept anything but what they like to see and hear. Now, this is what I call a subjective mind.

    But then again, when you drop your wishful thinking, when you drop that subjectivity - when you drop the desire to hear or see something...what are you left with? What am I left with? It's awfully quiet when you reach that point. But that quiet doesn't scare me, it doesn't seem to make me fear step in deeper. But it is...dead quiet.

    I am not a person who copes well with humans. But I don't lack the art of socializing either. I know I can be anything I like in a group of people. I can lead, I can follow. I can provoke admiration, I can provoke dislike, I can provoke everything I want. But when you learn how to provoke and manipulate that simple subjectivity in humans...you end up ...you end up wondering who you are. Because humans can no longer be your mirror. They can't really tell you the truth, for the truth they speak was provoked long before they even knew it. For the subjectivity is a bit too oblivious.

    It truly amazes me. How unexpectedly predictable things can be, and I sit there on the chair watching it all play out. When the performance is over though, how do I think I feel on that chair? Bored, for I knew the outcome beforehand? Silly, for I wasted my time? Or maybe pathetic, for I knew and I knew..and I knew but I sat like a clown on the throne of pretense?

    Don't get me wrong though, I keep no ill feelings towards humans. I ...in spite of all, still can find some fond feelings within myself towards selective individuals, even if I can't really show it well. Somewhat you lose yourself within the soundless world.

    I am very tired.

    But my tired is a different kind, it is not what you would understand. I do sincerely hope you actually cannot understand it. Because it is a sort of exhaustion you don't get rid of. It acts as a reminder there, a reminder to not let your guard down. It is a reminder that you have bled for a bit too long and you cannot afford to bleed more. It is a reminder that you should believe in the good while knowing that all is evil. It is a reminder that you should not trust the one who speaks sweet nothings but the one who tells you the harsh truth. It is a reminder that when you speak your truth, you will clash with the subjectivity of it. It is a reminder that you should stay a kid, while speaking nonsensical wisdom to the naive one. It is a reminder that you should abandon subjectivity before it abandons you. It is a reminder that when you stand on top of it all, you will be alone and these who have never seen the scenery from above will never hear the words of the abstraction - an idea of the difference in heights. It is a reminder that many people hear the sound and only a few hear the silence. It is a reminder that the blind sees the best. And it is a reminder that you have forgotten who you are long before you even recall that little "reminder" of yours.

    It is that kind of an exhaustion. The one you can never abandon.


    Solitude, what have you done to me? Or rather, what have you made of them all, them humans? Why do they seem so ugly, and yet so beautiful?

    It's quiet.
    And loud.

    But I still know, you can't follow me, can you?
    It's okay, I will be on that chair and watch it all play out. I know that play a bit too well, but let me see you dance some more...before I. ..Heh.


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  3. #12
    天神 Saga's Avatar
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    Re: Ancora Imparo

    entry: A long way.
    rating:
    -----------------------

    Hello YaoiOtaku!
    It has been a truly long time since I have posted. In fact, it has been a long time since I had time to think of hanging around.

    First, I would like to thank my friends on this platform for bearing with me. You had the patience to wait for me to come back and none of you grew cold in their heart - towards our bounds.

    Thank you.

    Now then, my journey.
    It has been around two years since I took on kind of a hard path. I still have a long way to go and a lot of stories to tell - a lot of lessons I learned.

    Instead of sharing the stories, I can tell you several lessons from my life. Of course, all of the lessons are exclusively related to my life - this is another thing I learned. My lessons are mine - yours are yours. It does not mean what applies on my life will apply to yours.

    Some of the lessons I knew prior to my journey but these two years made me realize and understand in depth all of the following which...

    I learned...

    That human greed knows no limit. And he who is blinded by greed - will never manage to see beyond it. Period. You may argue it, but greed is not something you learn to express - it is not a matter of Nature vs. Nurture. It is both. You have to be wired that way and choose to express such inborn qualities. Maybe...maybe it does not make any sense to you. But choice is a big thing in our life. It is not a matter of determinism and free will - it is both. It is a predisposition and you make a choice whether to follow or to abandon such predispositions. Ah -- probably, you will understand it with the expression: "the battle with oneself".

    I learned...

    That something real will last only through the test of time. That which is not real - will not take long to fall apart. And if you have things that fell apart in your life - do not despair. They were not real. Be happy that they fell apart. It cleared space and time for you to continue onto what is real. Seek the reality of things, not patching up the fantasy of yours. It is hard to let go - yes. But a fall is not an end of you, it is the end of a fantasy. Time tests reality -- and time is relative for that single reason: relativity of reality. Do not waste time to patch up. Real things do not need patching up.

    I learned...

    That money has no saying in your need to follow something. To people out there who say: "I do not have the money to afford this and that".

    Wrong. You do not need money to afford something you feel that you need in your life. It can be a new job. A new lover. A new husband/wife. A new family. A kid. A new house. A new town. A new start. A new field of study. Afresh.

    Everything that you need to be 'new' has a reason behind such a need. It can be abuse, it can be trauma, it can be a wrong choice, it can be regret, it can be a mentality. It is not money that you lack. It is courage and will to do it. Neither is 'age' related to courage and will. A three-year-old and a ninety-nine-year-old both can display the same ounce of courage.

    But back onto the topic. Yes, I agree. Money is a factor. But remember, money is not a factor that determines the outcome of your decision. What influence it - should be your mind. Money is not your mind. It is an external stimulus that you believe is what determines your life. If you let money lead your life -- go back to my first 'lesson' - greed. Do not risk to be stained by greed. Who seeks money - calls for Greed.

    I am not rich. I struggle with finances every next day. I take every day of my 'fresh start' as my last and I treat it as such. I give my best, I always look for alternatives and how to continue through the financial struggles just to reach what I need in my life - and truly so, what I need is knowledge.

    Think about. How sad it would be if you give up on what you need because of money. Me giving up on knowledge for money. You giving up on a new [better] job where they respect you...all because of money. It is a patched up reality, my friend. And in case, you are not convinced - then, time will test your reality.

    I learned...

    That the world is a very deep sea of either boiling or freezing cold waters. I realized that some of us go through these waters in a different manner - some swim through, some are afloat, others are on a small wrecked-by-time boat, another one would go through these waters on a truly luxurious cruise and beware that once each of us reach the destination - the journey would affect us in a different way on a different level. So, when you feel that you are the only one who is sinking deep these waters - remember, the only depth that you have reached is your mind. What you sink towards is yourself, not the bottom of the sea. And if you survive of the pits of your mind, believe me, nothing can break you. Swimming and diving through such waters - take it as the bitterness of experienced wisdom. And between you and me, I prefer swimming than the VIP sector on a cruise ship.

    I learned...

    That I am stronger than what I believed to be. I thought I can take just 'that much'. No, dear friend. You and I - we both can take a lot more. It does not mean it is easy, it does not mean you will not have things falling apart. All that it means is that the stronger you become - the more fake masks you are able to see through. Believe me, the more you develop - the less disillusioned you will be. And it shall not take you long time to break through fake people who think that it is easy to fool you. But an advice, my friend. Do never show that strength of yours, for it can turn into Vanity.

    If you learn how to pierce through deceit - do not let the deception know. It does not need to know. For time will do its wonders upon it.

    I learned...

    How to be sad. We all display sadness in a different manner. But the sorrow should not be destructive for too long - remember this. Sorrow destroys what you do not need in your life. A loss, a rejection, abusive reality, even death - you are a being that is alive. And life is portrayed through movement. Hence, my friend, do not become stagnant within the web of sorrow. It will destroy what once glued together your reality. But do not patch up that. For you are to be prepared for a new reality. Move on. I am not saying to forget and pretend nothing happened in your life - no. Movement is life. Move on. Let sadness last for as long as it is healthy. The longer you let it last - the less 'movement' you will allow in your life.

    I learned...

    That I can walk a path whilst being completely wrecked. And when you are wrecked - what you need is to remember which you have to keep on moving. If you are all alone and you think no one cares whether you keep going or not: so what? (":

    Keep moving. Along the way, your strength and courage will naturally attract someone who wants to hold your hand. Do not keep on moving because of 'someone'. Keep on moving because of yourself. It is not selfish, it is called 'development of the self'. Real people, like you, will find you and you will find them - it works both way, it is not one-way.

    Well then, I believe I said quite some things.
    In case you have messaged me but I have not replied - sorry.
    I will try my best to reply. (:


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